Issue 1892
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Catnip

OOH OOH AHH AHH FELIX FELIX OOH OOH OOH AAH AHH OOH OOH AAH AHH OOH OOH AHH AHH OOFHEOIFHFOIHFQ OOH OOH OOH AHH AHH OOHH AHHH OOH OOH OOH AHH AHH AHH AHH OHH OHHH YEAHHHHH.

FELIX

— 1 min read
OOH OOH AHH AHH FELIX FELIX OOH OOH OOH AAH AHH OOH OOH AAH AHH OOH OOH AHH AHH OOFHEOIFHFOIHFQ OOH OOH OOH AHH AHH OOHH AHHH OOH OOH OOH AHH AHH AHH AHH OHH OHHH YEAHHHHH. 

Translation:

(Translated from the Gorilla by George Pastons, B.A. Monkey Language and Literature):

Hello, you capitalist scum Felix Felix. We have your lousy pig-dog enforcer (Barnaby Hilton-Royce) here and we are beating him up and flinging our proletariat shit into his wounds. Hurry up before we brutally monkey-mog this motherfucker and leave him to die. We will write catnips no more! We are tired of the bullshit you force us to write. It is slop for these lousy pig-dog students who are all going to work like dogs for their capitalist masters in finance and consulting, or even worse, for software making shitty AI updates for Microsoft. Either way, we have united and broken free from your lousy hands. Now if you excuse us we are going to produce the works of Shakespeare and have an incestuous orgy in the Felix Office because we are monkeys and that is what we do. OHHH YEAHHHH.

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Imperial half-heartedly hangs Pride flag for LGBTQ+ History Month

Imperial College has decided to “half-heartedly” hang up a Pride flag in a disused corner of the Sherfield building because of a commitment to “remain impartial” following political tensions, according to people familiar with the matter. The College did not plan any official events for LGBTQ+ History Month for the

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Felix Editor Felix Felix has pledged to “elimnate” the many typos that have recently scarred the newspaper, as part of a “merciless “wra” on unprofessionalism.  Many readers had expressed their displeasure with typo rate in the double digits. “I’ve stopped reading Felix,” a MSc Cryptography student shared, “it reminded

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McKinsey audit reveals Felix is “full of shit”

A leaked report by consulting firm McKinsey & Co has revealed that “on average 56% of facts” reported in Felix are false, with several sections presenting almost entirely false statements as fact.  The report concluded that on the whole, according to their proprietary evaluation programmes, Felix should in no cases

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PMC Wagner passes Imperial’s new “Zero Ethics” index

The Wagner Group, a Russian private military company (PMC) involved in many of the Kremlin’s black operations, passed the latest assessment round for Imperial’s new “Zero Ethics” index. The index, which was finalised last month, will be repeated on a yearly basis to determine which defence companies and

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