The Felix Dating Guide, part 1: from LateX to Love

In between course work, lectures and the occasional crisis, dating at Imperial can feel impossible. However, do not fear, we at Felix (naturally) are here to help in this problem that can’t quite be solved by your graphing calculator. We have compiled a guide below, with more  5 ⭐ reviews than the last self-help book you purchased.

“This guide helped me realise I’ve been flirting wrong. Apparently, ‘Do you want to see my MATLAB script?’ isn’t romantic.” 

- Tom, Mechanical Engineering, still single but now self-aware

Stage 1: Hitting the Scene 

So here you are, ready to launch yourself on the Imperial Dating Scene, first week has come and gone in a blaze of Union Cocktails, and the pain of last year’s breakup is forgotten. You feel reborn and are ready to hit the dancefloor with your “Greased Lightning”, or if you’re a physicist, just the grease. Now you must go through the following CRITICAL steps: 

1) Make sure you have washed, and are wearing clean clothes 

Probably not best to sniff test this one.

2) Re-charge your bank of pickup lines 

“Are you made of copper and tellurium? Because you’re Cu-Te” probably expired last year.

3) Find your destination 

After the closure of Slug, you ended up with a wild night at Heaven, this time you play it safe by choosing Metric.

4) Listen to your hype music 

Bonus points for emotionally gazing into the distance.

Stage 2: How to Pretend you Understand Quantum Mechanics at Parties 

You hit the dating scene, and you’re making eyes at someone. It seems to be going well, but what the hell do you do now?  No worries, we have the following tips: e

1) Do not open with “What course do you do?” 

Try instead “Verily fine lady, what doth your name?” 

If failed, smile, and say that you’re related to Shakespeare, and Romeo 

2) Enjoy your drink 

It's perfect for calming those nerves 

Don’t drink too much, after all last years drunk confession failed spectacularly… 

It seems to be going well, they seem nice, and even smile! This is positive, and it's time to bring out the big guns, the Quantum Mechanics, as nothing screams “Date Potential” as misusing the word Superposition.Use phrases like “It’s all probabilistic”, and “we’re all Schrodinger’s cat really.”, watch their eyes glaze over. This is a good sign. Note: This will not work on Physicists, we recommend smiling whilst backing away. Slowly.

Stage 3: Flirting in the Library: A Case Study 

Sadly, despite your best efforts, last night didn’t work out. You pick yourself up again, reminded that there are “always more fish in the sea” by your friends.  You decide that maybe you can mix dating and work – and hit the hot pick-up destination, the Abdus Salam library. Whilst the shots are only Coffee, you are confident that this is the place to be.  You sit down, get out your computer and put on a Panopto lecture at 2x speed, sound muted, carefully observing your fellow hustlers. Many hours pass, but then, you strike, a handwritten note that you like their “work ethic”, and “would you like to grab a Pret sometime”. These were mass produced the night before. (This incidentally is based on a true story). You smile shyly and walk off, there was no “No”, but an optimistic “I’ll think about it”. You race home on the tube, frantically worrying that they might message when you have no signal. 

Whilst in the library, you might hear the following lines. The translations are also provided. 

• “Want to study together?” = I like you 
• “Can I borrow your notes?” = I like you, but I’m also desperate 
• “I’m stuck on this” = I need some help, but also this is an excuse to spend time with you 
• “Let’s grab Pret” = I’m serious, marriage and baby’s incoming

Stage 4: Departments: Explained 

You come away from the library confused, your “handwritten” notes severely depleted. You begin to wonder maybe it’s not you – maybe it’s your choice of department. Do not fear, a guide to common dating traits has been compiled below. 

• Medics: Busy, chaotic, and somehow always at a party. 
• Physicists: Will explain your emotions using wave functions. 
• Engineers: Will build you a bridge… but not emotional intimacy. 
• Computing students: Will write you a chatbot instead of texting back. 
• Biologists: Will explain that it’s all hormones, really.
• Business School: Will reject you saying you have no growth potential.
• Maths: Ghost you for a week, replying with a proof of why it wouldn’t work.

You decide that you’re desperate enough, you’ll take any of them.

Stage 5: Bonne Voyage… 

Surprisingly one of your handwritten notes worked, you have agreed to meet up for a coffee the following week. Elated, you forget the brutal rejections and convince yourself they were your favourite the whole time. You decide to buy them flowers – or is it too early!? 

You decide to Consult “Imperial Dating Guide Part 2: From Halls to Honeymoon”  

Should You Date Them? – An Imperial Decision Flowchart

1) Do they laugh at your Schrödinger’s cat joke? 

• Yes: Date Immediately. 
• No: Proceed with caution. 

2) Have they proofread your coursework? 

• Yes: Get the flowers quick. They must really like you to read it, after it gives you an aneurysm reading it, and you wrote it. 
• No: They might still be worth it… but keep the receipt. 

3) Do they offer to grab Pret with you after a lecture? 

• Yes: This is serious. What colour flowers for the wedding? 
• No: They might not be ready for commitment (or carbs). 

4) Do they remember your timetable better than you do? 

• Yes: They care. Or they’re stalking you. Either way, it’s romantic. 
• No: Shame, maybe you’ll have to be the one who remembers the shopping list 

5) Do they make eye contact in the library and smile? 

• Yes: Flirting confirmed. Proceed with confidence. 
• No: They might be asleep with their eyes open. 

Final Decision: 

• If they’ve laughed, proofread, and offered Pret – ask them out. 
• If not, maybe just cry and try again next week.