Fresher pledges to do everything

Incoming Biology undergraduate Emmanuel Frederick has pledged to take over as both Felix Editor-in-Chief and President of Imperial College Union after uploading his CID photo onto MyImperial. Current editors at the paper and union representatives argue that he has no experience, yet Frederick has combatted these allegations by setting his LinkedIn profile public. On his Instagram campaign, he listed his experience, citing his time as head of the student council in sixth form and his representation of France in Model United Nations. Frederick also mentioned that he was a merit in LAMDA Grade 8 Verse and Prose and gave numerous speeches as head student. His long-term MUN opponent, Clif Eivelekoglu, representing Turkey, said: “Emmanuel is far better at the roleplay aspect than the politics.”

“I don’t need to have done the role before to know how things are being done are shit,” Frederick states in his manifesto. “The current editor-in-chief doesn’t know anything about anything. I edited my school newspaper for two years, and it was far better than this trash. I can get adverts from my uncle and triple the funding in a week.” When asked about his plans for socials this year he responded with, “Why do you need socials? It’s a newspaper, just read it.”

At the top of a three-bullet-point long list, Frederick states that his main priority is to “scrap the cat”. “No one cares about cats anymore. We need something that genuinely represents students. You’re all yapping about keeping the cat free, well free it. Let the guy die, it’s been 75 years.” Due to Frederick’s extremely busy schedule, he put NegaFelix in contact with his campaign chief, Wowen Ilkinson. When asked why Frederick is the best candidate for the roles, Ilkinson responded “based”. To dig deeper, we reached out to Frederick’s old drama teacher, who confirmed his LAMDA certifications, telling us “Everyone needs something to make them seem interesting in their personal statement.”

As Socrates once said, “All learning is recollection”, so perhaps Frederick will pick up the skills needed after he actually sets foot on campus for the first time. Frederick mentioned he will be using the “Stanislavski method to prepare for the role”, so he is not worried. He is a “natural leader” after all, as he states in his Union President campaign.