Horoscopes 21/05

Our astrology correspondent M.Meg has good luck on the cards for you.

Aries

This week you trade two common senses for one blue eyes white sense

Taurus

This week choke me Daddy is added to the executioner conversation blacklist

Gemini

This week Elon Musk reveals plans for a robot suit powered by kryptonite

Cancer

This week hundreds of people confess they remember it being spelt ‘The Mandela Affect’

Leo

This week you earn a slap after asking your girlfriend to “Gaza strip”

Virgo

This week I’d like to thank my manager, my agent, and the spider on the shower wall that watches me masturbate

Libra

This week a callous remark will ruin an otherwise eloquent eulogy

Scorpio

This week you get your Willy caught in your zipper

Sagittarius

This week you go on Tinder looking for a short stocky piece of wood to start a fire with.

Capricorn

This week you face the biggest question of 2021 so far.

-

Huel 

or 

nutritional yeast?

Aquarius

This week the bracelet you like finally comes back into stock on the IDF’s Etsy store

Pisces

This week the email finds you cowering, cold and naked on the floor