If I Had Legs I’d Kick You

I went to see If I Had Legs I’d Kick You last Friday with my friends at the Institute of Contemporary Arts (ICA) in St. James’s, which is an experience I can’t recommend enough because it is a lovely independent cinema, with £5 tickets for those who are 25 and under. I had no expectations going in and I was pleasantly surprised with how much I enjoyed the movie; nevertheless, it’s not something you’d want to rewatch. This was sort of how I felt watching Die My Love, but I definitely prefer If I Had Legs I’d Kick You more.

The movie is about Linda, a mother with an absent partner, who is navigating her daughter’s puzzling illness as well as  her career. The story kicks off when a huge hole opens in their ceiling, forcing Linda and her daughter to temporarily move to a hotel. As expected, everything goes haywire from there. Linda faces a confusing relationship with her co-worker therapist, the troubles of her patients, and judgment for her parenting from her husband. The doctor overseeing her daughter’s illness, and even the persecution of the car park attendant at her daughter’s clinic simply add to her stress. She has no one to talk to, no help to get, and has the world upon her shoulders.

As all of her problems escalate and the expectations placed upon her grow, she declines to a worse mental state – this is reflected in her appearance and it’s like watching a fault line gather energy, unable to brake. The stress and anticipation that builds up through the movie is conveyed by Rosie Byrne’s phenomenal acting. Her performance is a great balance of meticulous comedic timing with a heartwrenching portrayal of the responsibilities and expectations that come from motherhood. Byrne is accompanied by other great performances from Conan O’Brien and Mary Bronstein, who is also the director and the screenwriter for the movie. There is also a surprising appearance by A$AP Rocky, which I thought was quite unexpected (and funny). 

I left the cinema thinking about the expectations of motherhood and parenting thrown upon women – and I couldn’t help myself but wonder how scary it is to be a mother, and how terrified I would be to raise a child with such societal pressure. Even growing up, I heard mothers, dads, aunts, uncles and essentially everyone making criticisms about someone’s performance as a mother. Of course, in the modern world, parenting is getting more and more equal and modernised; however, our expectations that women grow up to be “motherly” and “nurturing” caregivers remain. We expect women to be pure, selfless mothers who give up their life for their child. Seeking leisure is disapproved, being a mother is a full time job, and even the jobs mothers already have are undermined. What else could be more important than your one destined duty? While Byrne’s character admittedly has her faults, it is mostly understandable: any person would break under such pressure. Although the movie is described as a horror-comedy and I couldn’t help but laugh at parts, to me this is a horror-thriller through and through. 

I couldn’t help myself but wonder how scary it is to be a mother

As always, I had to have a look at Letterboxd to have a feel about what other people thought of the movie. I’ve seen comments online saying that this is like the female equivalent of Uncut Gems, which is a sentiment I can understand but I really don’t like. The movies are similar in a way that they are both very stressful to watch, but I feel like a comment like this undermines the deeper struggles of motherhood and depression that Linda faces. Uncut Gems, which I watched over the weekend after reading comments such as this, has a completely different trajectory and annoys you to the point you are surprised why you were rooting for the main character Howard in the first place. I think a more likely comparison to Uncut Gems is Marty Supreme, in the sense that the main characters are both ambitious, charismatic con artists that bet on life and face hardships. All three movies are, at times, hard to watch and quite stressful.  

If you are looking for an actress to root for in the Academy Awards, or if you are looking for an uncomfortable two hours, this is for you. I recommend seeing it while it’s still screening at cinemas.