Imperial facing turmoil now only six female students remain

Imperial College London has had “several difficult discussions” now that the student body has lost one of its seven female students as she has left to study at UCL. Insiders have revealed to Felix that several senior figures have “gone ballistic” and “don’t know what to do” now that the student body has reduced to only six women, with five of the six women studying in the biochemistry department.

No women were admitted into Imperial this year, following a 5% drop in admissions thought to be due to economic uncertainty, and Labour government legislation making the UK less attractive to international students.

“No one knows what to do,” one of the university staff members familiar with the matter told NegaFelix. “Marketing is very upset because with the latest data they can no longer say we have a gender ratio of 22,000:7.” Another insider told Felix that the head of EDI (Equality, Diversity, and Inclusivity) had locked himself in his office for several hours once he had discovered the news. “We were scared he would do something rash, like fire the one woman in the EDI department. He did that when Felix reported on how our widening participation program was meant for grammar school students from the home counties.”

However, certain members of Imperial’s student body were less upset by the news. In an exclusive statement to Felix, Feb Senton, the president of DoCSoc, the department of computing’s society, said “Whilst we have been legally advised not to celebrate this, our sponsors at Alantir and Panduril have told us to commemorate this with a special boat party free for all male members, that is to say, all members, of our society.” The Department of Computing has been known to attract less women to its courses, with the gender ratio decreasing at a steady rate of 10% less each year. Members of DoCSoc have correlated this loss with an increase in the intensity of the Huxley scent, leading to several students winning the President’s award for modelling this relationship in Python.

Roy responded to Felix’s request for comment, stating via email “Hahahahahaha.”