London Mayor Stumped by Violent Crime Stats

Following a slew of fatal fist fight in the capital, mayor of London Sadiq Khan announced this week that all males under and over the age of 30 would have their hands cut off the rest in an effort to curb the violence.

A spokesperson for the Mayor explained that it is hoped the new "stumping initiative" will do much to reduce the number of brutal punching-related injuries, noting that “if all you have is a stump instead of a hand, how can you even form a fist? It’s a wonder we didn’t think of this before”.

However, the news has not been welcomed by vio- lence naysayers. The well-known charity ‘Stop hitting each other, for Pete’s sake’ commented that “they’re just kicking the problem up the arm. We should expect to see a sharp increase in stump attacks now,” referring to the brutal attacks that have quickly become known as “stumpings”.

A “stumping” is when a violent youth pummels his or their victim with the bloodied stump that has been left behind by the government’s initiative. Sadly, it has become all too common to hear phrases like “I’ll stump you,” “you’re gonna get stumped”, or “take that you nas- ty bastard, that’s what you get for stumping my mum”. Indeed, early statistics have found that, while fist fights are at an all-time low, stump-related injuries have in- creased 5000% since the policy was enacted.

If all you have is a stump... How can you even form a fist? [Why] didn't we think of this before?

In the face of this backfire, we find ourselves once again gazing into the mirror of the self, asking – nay, pleading - whether we can ever truly in- fluence our carnal desires. For in the end, it was not the fist that was causing the fight, but that most humble of all man’s faculties: unsublimated fury.

Are we not slaves to our nature? When all you have is a fist, does not every face look punchable?

We should not be looking at the fists on our bodies, but rather the fists within. It is merely an abject failure of this government and our times to overlook the growing sensation that now is the time to punch. One cannot expect young men to re- frain from their nature any further than one can expect to ride a rodent. That is to say, not very far.

It is left as an exercise to the reader to grapple with the monster within. It is not for one man to clip anoth- er’s wings any more than it is our place to proselytize on the effect that physiological changes can have on the precipitous psychology of particularly impoverished pubescent people. Issues of this nature will find reso- lution only in wholesale progressive socio-economic systemic re-evaluation of societal norms.