The most insufferable men you will meet at Imperial
Now that you’ve settled in, dear freshers, you’ve probably met most of the people on this list, because we literally used a Python model to statistically analyse every man at Imperial to create these categories. We can’t really offer any advice, just that you should get used to them.
The Finance Bro
Thinks becoming a quantitative analyst will finally give his life meaning, dresses like a forty year old man because “that’s what young professionals do” and will introduce himself using a Chat-GPT optimised elevator pitch.
The 10x Coder
Doesn’t shower to optimise coding time, eats only instant ramen because it takes like two minutes to cook bro, whose life’s work is an AI wrapper that helps people “make friends” via algorithm.
The Rugby Lad Educated at public school, family friends with half the House of Lords, will get a job after getting a third because father knows someone in the stockbroking business. Will have the worst sex of your life with him, and has been publicly known for getting peed on as part of an “initiation ritual.”
The Carhartt Crusader
Didn’t know what Carhartt was until he saw Cooper May flaunting his stash on TikTok, spent his trust fund money on Depop, lowkey smells of mould, old cigarettes, and piss all the time.
The Functioning Alcoholic
Singlehandedly made the Union break even for the last three fiscal years, skin is taking on the tinge of Snakebite, can down a mega-pint in four seconds, will ask you for a cigarette.
Basically Incels
You know who I’m talking about. That guy.
Start-up Begs
Has more LinkedIn posts than followers. Will be seen commenting on the most random opportunities. Spends 20 hours a week “networking” and thinks he will become the next Steve Jobs. He will try to recruit you into his fintech startup (competitive salary, share options for founders, 12-stage interview process.)
