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Issue 1751
The student newspaper of Imperial College London

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In response to budget shortages College has decided to replace all academic teaching staff with black-cab drivers, saying academics are “jumped up, spoiled wastes of space”.


in Issue 1751

In response to budget shortages the college has decided to replace all academic teaching staff with black-cab drivers. This decision came after anonymous College sources called academics “jumped up, spoiled wastes of space”. According to Christian Peeler, Vice Provost (Education), it was realised that as black-cab drivers are experts in all topic of conversation they were better value as generalists than the incredibly limited range of most academics. Some problems with the confidence of the new hires were encountered when they tried speaking in front of large crowds. However, this was addressed by College building replica black-cab driver’s seats facing away from the video cameras from which the new lecturers would be able to deliver over the-the-shoulder teaching to their students. When NegaFelix contacted the College to enquire as to where the new lecturers were found it was explained that the terminal decline of the London tourist sector had forced many black cab drivers to retrain, leading to a temporary glut in the employment market allowing the College to snap up teaching staff at record low prices. Feb Senton, second year biology, described the difference in the teaching styles between the former and current teaching staff. 

“Last year, the professors were so stuffy. They had a huge list of things that we just HAD to learn and things that we had to think. They were against the idea of us coming up with our own answers to the big questions like ‘what is quantum physics?’. There has also been a relaxation of the citation policy. Suddenly ‘I think someone told me something similar once a long time ago and I don’t know if I properly remember what they said’ is a valid source.”

Unfortunately, the new lecturers are already coming under pressure from a recently developed app. Uber Lecturers (UL) developed by Imperial computer science students promises to deliver lecturers cheaper and faster, all of whom will agree with everything you say on the condition that you give them a 5 star rating.

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