Sharing the Knowledge

In response to budget shortages College has decided to replace all academic teaching staff with black-cab drivers, saying academics are “jumped up, spoiled wastes of space”.

Hangman

by NegaFelix
on 16 October 2020

in Issue 1751

In response to budget shortages the college has decided to replace all academic teaching staff with black-cab drivers. This decision came after anonymous College sources called academics “jumped up, spoiled wastes of space”. According to Christian Peeler, Vice Provost (Education), it was realised that as black-cab drivers are experts in all topic of conversation they were better value as generalists than the incredibly limited range of most academics. Some problems with the confidence of the new hires were encountered when they tried speaking in front of large crowds. However, this was addressed by College building replica black-cab driver’s seats facing away from the video cameras from which the new lecturers would be able to deliver over the-the-shoulder teaching to their students. When NegaFelix contacted the College to enquire as to where the new lecturers were found it was explained that the terminal decline of the London tourist sector had forced many black cab drivers to retrain, leading to a temporary glut in the employment market allowing the College to snap up teaching staff at record low prices. Feb Senton, second year biology, described the difference in the teaching styles between the former and current teaching staff.

“Last year, the professors were so stuffy. They had a huge list of things that we just HAD to learn and things that we had to think. They were against the idea of us coming up with our own answers to the big questions like ‘what is quantum physics?’. There has also been a relaxation of the citation policy. Suddenly ‘I think someone told me something similar once a long time ago and I don’t know if I properly remember what they said’ is a valid source.”

Unfortunately, the new lecturers are already coming under pressure from a recently developed app. Uber Lecturers (UL) developed by Imperial computer science students promises to deliver lecturers cheaper and faster, all of whom will agree with everything you say on the condition that you give them a 5 star rating.

Also in this issue...

Hangman

Flipbooks fix persistent Panopto problems

College has responded to criticism of expecting all students have WiFi at home by sending out flipbooks and sheet music to reconstruct lectures.

Calls for new Imperial logo to be replaced as petition exceeds 2,700 signatures

College says it will “take any opportunity to hear what people think, to listen, and to answer questions.”

Imperial steams forward with ‘horse sh*t’ UN mural

‘It‘s sh*t,’ say students, as College President Hugh Brady claims ‘enthusiastic’ support

Imperial back to winning ways on University Challenge

Felix spoke to Imperial’s University Challenge team after its 285-145 demolition of Balliol College, Oxford.

ICU Elections: Student disillusion casts pall over Union President race

Over 40% of voters opted for candidates with no manifesto promises.

Union Council to vote on Imperial logo next week

Motion calls for Imperial to seek more feedback on new logo before continuing rollout.

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