In support of the disproportionate wheeze for survival faced by the oft-maligned Cough Society, Hangman has this week offered to assist with a peaceful regime change by printing the manifestos of committee hopefuls. 

Last week, Cough Soc faced a sharp blow to their finances when their flagship event was suddenly cancelled. The event was expected to be the largest yet due to the recent craze sweeping the nation, seeing many take up the hobby for perhaps the first time. 

CoughSoc’s membership has exploded in part due to a new policy which grants membership to anyone who has spent more than 15 minutes in close contact with an existing member. The society’s AGM will be held next week, so be sure to read the manifestos before casting a vote. 

President 

Cofin Malungsup: As president I would move to recognise throat clearing as a valid form of coughing, and look to strengthen relations with FeverSoc, whose membership has significant overlap with our own. Further to this, I would table a motion to collaborate with IC Radio on a new ‘CoughCast’, where each week we highlight a different sub-genre of coughs. In this manner I hope to repair our recent poor public relations. 

Head of Lung Capacity 

Callum ‘Cal’ Pol: Having played deputy to last year’s Head of LC, I am already familiar with the ventricles of the society. As Head I would aim to expand the lung capacity of all members by at least 20% by next AGM. As a result, this society could challenge as a forerunner of coughs in the UK. 

Assistant Phlegm Director 

L. Em Sipp: As well as continuing the progress I made last year in my role as Assistant Phlegm Director, I am running to increase the diversity of phlegm colours and types available to CoughSoc members. While coughing classics such as “Autumnal Mist” and “Gobshite Gold” have served many a cougher well, more exotic phlegms are needed to ensure coughing remains a competitive sport. That is why I will introduce ‘Spring Splutter’ and ‘Is That Blood?’ as two new phlegm candidates for CoughSoc coughing staples. 

‘Cough in My Mouth’ Events Manager 

John Splutterman: Despite the disappointing Health and Safety ruling by the overly cautious Union last week, the annual ‘Cough in my Mouth’ social has become a mainstay of our members’ calendars. I would therefore capitalise on the recent explosion in popularity and allow the Cough Craze to spread indiscriminately. Additionally, I would organise a sister event entitled ‘Spit Down my Ears’ to be held biannually. I believe that this additional revenue stream will more than cover the deficit created by Hot-Toddy spending. 

Treasurer 

Lauren ‘Loz’ Inge: CoughSoc is in dire need of a budget review. Last year’s extravagant Hot-Toddy expenditure left us with far too little cash for chicken soup. As Treasurer I would reorganise the structure of the society and introduce a new committee position ,‘ Head of Soothing’, to take charge on all throat lubricant acquisitions. 

In accordance with the society’s constitution, any and all ties will be decided by a Cough-Off.

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