In a hotly anticipated press conference on Monday, NASA announced that the Moon (large, grey disc in the sky)was actually “much smaller and closer” than previously thought. They went on to explain that despite years of research to the contrary, and multiple successful missions to the lunar surface, the mysterious ball of cheese was in reality only 600 miles away. This is over 3 times less than the comonly accepted distance.

It is thought that this shortfall is what allowed the space guys at NASA to reach the lunar milestone before the Soviets. “They just assumed it was further away” said NASA Rocket Engineer Harold von Luneberg, explaining why Russian rockets were built so large. “They built them so large that it was quicker to walk up the side than to send them into orbit”, he continued. It was at this point he became quite irate and the interview ended prematurely.

This is not the first time that NASA has waded into a public debate on the Earth’s closest ally. Despite the Moon “definitely [being] there”, it is often mistaken for a large searchlight that is looking for the Moon. This is in turn not to be mistaken for the large searchlight heralding the Moon-based superhero, Moon-Man, who is responsible for this years reduction in bootleg alcohol related crimes.

Whilst NASA has repeatedly expressed dismay at the recent rise in Moon-crime, the space body is reticent to endorse Moon-vigilantism, instead asserting that Moon-crimes should be dealt with by the appropriate Moon-authorities.

In an exclusive interview with Hangman, the Moon stated that it was “looking forward” to re-starting its waning solo career, adding that fans can expect its debut self-titled funk album “The celestial body previously known as the Moon” in time for Christmas.

The move will come as a shock to Moon enthusiasts, aka ‘Moonies’, who have long lemented the Exxon Mobil announcement that they have paid an undisclosed sum to rename the Moon “Exxon Moonbil”.

The oil giant was expected to complete work on its Moon-Pipeline before it ran into difficulties circumnavigating the web of planning permission needed as a result of the Moon’s recent classification as a Grade 2 listed building. This cast a larger shadow on plans to demolish the Moon and replace it with a massive Moon-Westfield, plans that have been met with Moon-criticism by Moon-activists.

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