Errm stars? You still there? What's in store this week?

ARIES: This week your relationship becomes long distance when your girlfriend files a restraining order against you.

TAURUS: This week you finally finish Peep show in 3 minute YouTube clips.

GEMINI: This week a global cabal of Make-a-Wish-kids wish for you to be skinned alive.

CANCER: This week your second haircut goes a lot worse than the first.

LEO: This week both of your thumbs are so sore that you have to scroll with your toes.

VIRGO: This week you actually watch Would I Lie to You. Turns out, once you have watched the Youtube 'Lee Mack's funniest moments' compilation the programme itself is actually pretty boring.

LIBRA: This week you determine the relationship status of everyone in the Zoom call by the quality of their haircuts.

SCORPIO: This week your morning vitriol develops into a major diplomatic incident.

SAGITTARIUS: This week you spend 50 minutes waiting for the slides to change after confusing Powerpoint and Teams.

CAPRICORN: This week your Gaviscon runs out moments before a crucial curry.

AQUARIUS: This week your crack dealer is too busy volunteering for St John's Ambulance to fit you in.

PISCES: This week the vaccine microchip comes preloaded with the new U2 album.

felix@ic.ac.uk

@feliximperial

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