Capricorn

This week your Gaviscon runs out moments before a crucial curry

Aquarius

This week your crack dealer is too busy volunteering for St John's Ambulance to fit you in

Pisces

This week the vaccine microchip comes preloaded with the new U2 album

Aries

This week your relationship becomes long distance when your girlfriend files a restraining order against you

Taurus

This week you finally finish Peep show in 3 minute YouTube clips

Gemini

This week a global cabal of Make-a-Wish-kids wish for you to be skinned alive

Cancer

This week your second haircut goes a lot worse than the first

Leo

This week both of your thumbs are so sore that you have to scroll with your toes

Virgo

This week you actually watch Would I Lie to You. Turns out, once you have watched the Youtube 'Lee Mack's funniest moments' compilation the programme itself is actually pretty boring.

Libra

This week you determine the relationship status of everyone in the Zoom call by the quality of their haircuts

Scorpio

This week your morning vitriol develops into a major diplomatic incident

Sagittarius

This week you spend 50 minutes waiting for the slides to change after confusing Powerpoint and Teams

felix@ic.ac.uk

@feliximperial

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