Horoscopes 29/01/2021

M. Meg, the NegaFelix mystic consultant provides you with the week's fortunes

by NegaFelix
on 29 January 2021

in Issue 1762

Errm stars? You still there? What's in store this week?

ARIES: This week your relationship becomes long distance when your girlfriend files a restraining order against you.

TAURUS: This week you finally finish Peep show in 3 minute YouTube clips.

GEMINI: This week a global cabal of Make-a-Wish-kids wish for you to be skinned alive.

CANCER: This week your second haircut goes a lot worse than the first.

LEO: This week both of your thumbs are so sore that you have to scroll with your toes.

VIRGO: This week you actually watch Would I Lie to You. Turns out, once you have watched the Youtube 'Lee Mack's funniest moments' compilation the programme itself is actually pretty boring.

LIBRA: This week you determine the relationship status of everyone in the Zoom call by the quality of their haircuts.

SCORPIO: This week your morning vitriol develops into a major diplomatic incident.

SAGITTARIUS: This week you spend 50 minutes waiting for the slides to change after confusing Powerpoint and Teams.

CAPRICORN: This week your Gaviscon runs out moments before a crucial curry.

AQUARIUS: This week your crack dealer is too busy volunteering for St John's Ambulance to fit you in.

PISCES: This week the vaccine microchip comes preloaded with the new U2 album.

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