Horoscopes 29/01/2021
M. Meg, the NegaFelix mystic consultant provides you with the week's fortunes
Errm stars? You still there? What's in store this week?
ARIES: This week your relationship becomes long distance when your girlfriend files a restraining order against you.
TAURUS: This week you finally finish Peep show in 3 minute YouTube clips.
GEMINI: This week a global cabal of Make-a-Wish-kids wish for you to be skinned alive.
CANCER: This week your second haircut goes a lot worse than the first.
LEO: This week both of your thumbs are so sore that you have to scroll with your toes.
VIRGO: This week you actually watch Would I Lie to You. Turns out, once you have watched the Youtube 'Lee Mack's funniest moments' compilation the programme itself is actually pretty boring.
LIBRA: This week you determine the relationship status of everyone in the Zoom call by the quality of their haircuts.
SCORPIO: This week your morning vitriol develops into a major diplomatic incident.
SAGITTARIUS: This week you spend 50 minutes waiting for the slides to change after confusing Powerpoint and Teams.
CAPRICORN: This week your Gaviscon runs out moments before a crucial curry.
AQUARIUS: This week your crack dealer is too busy volunteering for St John's Ambulance to fit you in.
PISCES: This week the vaccine microchip comes preloaded with the new U2 album.
