Horoscopes 29/01/2021
M. Meg, the NegaFelix mystic consultant provides you with the week's fortunes
Capricorn
This week your Gaviscon runs out moments before a crucial curry
Aquarius
This week your crack dealer is too busy volunteering for St John's Ambulance to fit you in
Pisces
This week the vaccine microchip comes preloaded with the new U2 album
Aries
This week your relationship becomes long distance when your girlfriend files a restraining order against you
Taurus
This week you finally finish Peep show in 3 minute YouTube clips
Gemini
This week a global cabal of Make-a-Wish-kids wish for you to be skinned alive
Cancer
This week your second haircut goes a lot worse than the first
Leo
This week both of your thumbs are so sore that you have to scroll with your toes
Virgo
This week you actually watch Would I Lie to You. Turns out, once you have watched the Youtube 'Lee Mack's funniest moments' compilation the programme itself is actually pretty boring.
Libra
This week you determine the relationship status of everyone in the Zoom call by the quality of their haircuts
Scorpio
This week your morning vitriol develops into a major diplomatic incident
Sagittarius
This week you spend 50 minutes waiting for the slides to change after confusing Powerpoint and Teams