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The student newspaper of Imperial College London

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Issue 1764 (PDF)
The student newspaper of Imperial College London

Keep the Cat Free

Horoscopes 12/02/2021

This week's astrological predictions


in Issue 1764

Soooo stars... what's it gonna be this week?

ARIES: This week you/re mute in real life, everyone keeps telling you to unmute yourself but you were just born that way.

TAURUS: This week, sheet music is cancelled for too many slurs.

GEMINI: This week you have a platonic friendship. Your friend has been dead for 2000 years.

CANCER: This week you are morally ambiguous. Or are you?

LEO: This week you celebrate the new year by watching oxatouille.

VIRGO: This week your speech impediment is passed off as lag.

LIBRA: This week your empty shampoo bottles unionise.

SCORPIO: This week you eat all the chocolates.

SAGITTARIUS: This week rapper Mobb Deep discovered to be patient zero for new, deadlier, SARS virus. He is reportedly still proud to be ‘the illest’.

CAPRICORN: This week you have been arrested for protesting by “insert state here”.

AQUARIUS: This week you start a tow-truck breakdown assistance firm to meet ladies but you end up hiring a lot of them. After all, when the towing gets muff, the muff gets towing.

PISCES: This week you find that the hole in your pocket just leads to another, deeper pocket.

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