Aries

This week you/re mute in real life, everyone keeps telling you to unmute yourself but you were just born that way

Taurus

This week, sheet music is cancelled for too many slurs

Gemini

This week you have a platonic friendship. Your friend has been dead for 2000 years

Cancer

This week you are morally ambiguous. Or are you?

Leo

This week you celebrate the new year by watching oxatouille

Virgo

This week your speech impediment is passed off as lag

Libra

This week your empty shampoo bottles unionise

Scorpio

This week you eat all the chocolates

Sagittarius

This week rapper Mobb Deep discovered to be patient zero for new, deadlier, SARS virus. He is reportedly still proud to be ‘the illest’

Capricorn

This week you have been arrested for protesting by “insert state here”

Aquarius

This week you start a tow-truck breakdown assistance firm to meet ladies but you end up hiring a lot of them. After all, when the towing gets muff, the muff gets towing

Pisces

This week you find that the hole in your pocket just leads to another, deeper pocket

felix@ic.ac.uk

@feliximperial

fb.com/FelixImperial

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