Horoscopes 12/02/2021
This week's astrological predictions
Aries
This week you/re mute in real life, everyone keeps telling you to unmute yourself but you were just born that way
Taurus
This week, sheet music is cancelled for too many slurs
Gemini
This week you have a platonic friendship. Your friend has been dead for 2000 years
Cancer
This week you are morally ambiguous. Or are you?
Leo
This week you celebrate the new year by watching oxatouille
Virgo
This week your speech impediment is passed off as lag
Libra
This week your empty shampoo bottles unionise
Scorpio
This week you eat all the chocolates
Sagittarius
This week rapper Mobb Deep discovered to be patient zero for new, deadlier, SARS virus. He is reportedly still proud to be ‘the illest’
Capricorn
This week you have been arrested for protesting by “insert state here”
Aquarius
This week you start a tow-truck breakdown assistance firm to meet ladies but you end up hiring a lot of them. After all, when the towing gets muff, the muff gets towing
Pisces
This week you find that the hole in your pocket just leads to another, deeper pocket