Horoscopes 12/02/2021

This week's astrological predictions

by NegaFelix
on 12 February 2021

in Issue 1764

Soooo stars... what's it gonna be this week?

ARIES: This week you/re mute in real life, everyone keeps telling you to unmute yourself but you were just born that way.

TAURUS: This week, sheet music is cancelled for too many slurs.

GEMINI: This week you have a platonic friendship. Your friend has been dead for 2000 years.

CANCER: This week you are morally ambiguous. Or are you?

LEO: This week you celebrate the new year by watching oxatouille.

VIRGO: This week your speech impediment is passed off as lag.

LIBRA: This week your empty shampoo bottles unionise.

SCORPIO: This week you eat all the chocolates.

SAGITTARIUS: This week rapper Mobb Deep discovered to be patient zero for new, deadlier, SARS virus. He is reportedly still proud to be ‘the illest’.

CAPRICORN: This week you have been arrested for protesting by “insert state here”.

AQUARIUS: This week you start a tow-truck breakdown assistance firm to meet ladies but you end up hiring a lot of them. After all, when the towing gets muff, the muff gets towing.

PISCES: This week you find that the hole in your pocket just leads to another, deeper pocket.

Imperial back to winning ways on University Challenge

Felix spoke to Imperial’s University Challenge team after its 285-145 demolition of Balliol College, Oxford.

Calls for new Imperial logo to be replaced as petition exceeds 2,700 signatures

College says it will “take any opportunity to hear what people think, to listen, and to answer questions.”

Imperial steams forward with ‘horse sh*t’ UN mural

‘It‘s sh*t,’ say students, as College President Hugh Brady claims ‘enthusiastic’ support

Imperial first team to qualify for University Challenge semi-finals

Lee, Jones, Haddad, and Debnath pulled away from Manchester after an early scare to reach the semi-finals of the competition.

University Challenge: Imperial thrashes Lincoln College

Imperial has progressed to the third round of University Challenge, after coasting to victory against Lincoln College, Oxford.

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