Soooo stars... what's it gonna be this week?
ARIES: This week you/re mute in real life, everyone keeps telling you to unmute yourself but you were just born that way.
TAURUS: This week, sheet music is cancelled for too many slurs.
GEMINI: This week you have a platonic friendship. Your friend has been dead for 2000 years.
CANCER: This week you are morally ambiguous. Or are you?
LEO: This week you celebrate the new year by watching oxatouille.
VIRGO: This week your speech impediment is passed off as lag.
LIBRA: This week your empty shampoo bottles unionise.
SCORPIO: This week you eat all the chocolates.
SAGITTARIUS: This week rapper Mobb Deep discovered to be patient zero for new, deadlier, SARS virus. He is reportedly still proud to be ‘the illest’.
CAPRICORN: This week you have been arrested for protesting by “insert state here”.
AQUARIUS: This week you start a tow-truck breakdown assistance firm to meet ladies but you end up hiring a lot of them. After all, when the towing gets muff, the muff gets towing.
PISCES: This week you find that the hole in your pocket just leads to another, deeper pocket.