Felix Cat


The student newspaper of Imperial College London

Menu Icon


Issue 1773 (PDF)
The student newspaper of Imperial College London

Keep the Cat Free

10 diseases that humanity really should have gotten around to dealing with already

Fishing 937029 1920 Photo: Kevin Phillips via Pixabay


in Issue 1773


 Malaria. This is a disease caused by tiny little worms. The fact that this disease is still causing us such problems is possibly a wakeup call. If humanity can’t beat little worms, then maybe we should just accept the L. Maybe humans just weren’t meant to be the dominant species on earth. 


 Fingernails. An example of a symbiotic relationship, fingernails are in fact parasites that are transmitted from the mother to children across the placenta while still in the womb. These strange lifeforms bury themselves into people’s fingertips before birth meaning that few people question why they have them. This explains why baby fingernails are so cute. They are still baby parasites themselves and so are much cuter than fully grown adult fingernails with mortgages or acne. 


 Syphilis. The fact that we haven’t even been able to stop a sexually transmitted disease is really worrying. After all, all you need to do is stop people having sex and transmission comes to a screeching halt. Personally, I haven’t had sex in 5 years, so I really don’t understand what the problem is. 


 People coughing without covering their mouths. There have been several epidemics of this in recent years with lots of cases popping up on the Tube or on buses. While this one has received little in the way of research there is a general consensus that the only response is immediate quarantine followed by incineration for those that do not manage to ‘recover’ promptly


 Being poor. A chronic condition that tends to stay with a person throughout their life, reducing their outcomes in various metrics such how they pronounce the word ptarmigan. Preliminary research has proposed that it might be spread by a vector in local water supplies, explaining regional variations in case numbers. An attempted therapy of a life time’s supply of bottled Smart Water (£7.99 per 100ml) saw small improvements, the side effects, which included “turning into a cunt”, were deemed to be too serious to allow the trial to continue. 


 Picky eating. It is no coincidence that the recent spike in obesity correlates with an increase in allergies. Children have figured out that by claiming to have an allergic reaction to food they can avoid eating things they don’t want. I used to say that I didn’t like peanuts for example but now I really enjoy the tight and swollen neck feeling I get from eating less than half a gram of ground nuts. Like chilli peppers, it is an acquired taste. 


 Stubbing your toe. This is a disease that affects as many as 60% of the population though incomplete reporting of cases by people embarrassed to come forward may mean that the true number is likely even higher. Yet, despite the serious and detrimental effects of this condition, it is still treated as a joke and victims are left to suffer in silence without proper support. Too often, stubbing your toe is used as a punchline for a joke. We here at NegaFelix hope that in 5 years the world will wake up to the discriminatory policy making that has allowed institutionalised toe stubbing to take hold of our society and look forward to a future of round furniture. 


 Crime. Crime is a problem that should be treated more as a public health issue with treatment rather than recrimination the primary response. This is not a joke. 50% of prisoners in the UK are functionally illiterate and have mild to severe mental health problems. A society that locks up people that it has failed rather than helping them understand the consequences of their actions and reintegrate through remedial education and support is barbaric. 


Calling nonfamily members ‘Bro’. While herd immunity has brought case numbers down from their peaks in the late 20th century, this condition has become unfortunately endemic in some communities. Years of therapeutic action targeting this disease has had the unfortunate consequence of producing Mockery Resistant Bro Palilalia (MRBP) that even billions of pounds worth of funding by the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation and the Welcome Trust has not been able to treat. 


 Men posting pictures of fish that they have caught. Thought to be chromosomal in origin, the glaring sex difference in patient figures raises the possibility that genes found on the Y chromosome, exclusive to men, might be involved. Symptoms in afflicted men involve ‘finding fishing interesting’ and ‘posting pictures of fish on social media’. What makes this disease so difficult to spot is that early symptoms usually manifest on dating apps out of sight of friends and family who are unable to intervene until the later, more serious stages of the disease. If you know someone afflicted with this condition, you may want to join the various support groups out there including “It could be a rainbow potato for all I care” and “Looks like any old boring river to me”.

Also in this issue...

Top Stories