Can’t I put it off for a few hours longer?
No, I’ve wasted enough time already. Right – time to sit down and finally batter out this week’s comment piece. Maybe I should just clean the living room again? Some more dust may have accumulated under the sofa in the two minutes since I put the vacuum cleaner away…
Maybe putting the vacuum cleaner away caused more dust to accumulate under the sofa? I’d better go and check…
No – I should sit and write.
Maybe just polish the computer screen one last time…
No, No and No. Get a grip on yourself, turn on the computer, mute the sound, and open Microsoft Word. Right. I’ve opened a new blank document and it just looks so pretty. So clean and white – it’s almost a shame to spoil it by writing anything on it. Anything short of perfection, that is. So the first line must leap out of the starting blocks like Usain Bolt being tasered. It should welcome and arouse with the elegance and charm of Lauren Bacall putting her lips together and blowing. The page should vibrate to the pulsating rhythm of the very first Flaubertian mots justes.
“There is a fine distinction between the artistic and the artisanal.”
Hm. That might work. At least it’s not actually grammatically incorrect. Still, there’s no point in getting this worked up over the first sentence, or I’ll never get around to writing the second one. That’s what happened to the last few novels I tried to write. Ok, let’s move on.
Oh – I need to give the document a name. “Art and artifice.” Nope. “Flowing through our Arteries.” Hm. Maybe I’m better off simply calling it “Term 2: Comment II”. That’ll do for the moment. I’ll just write that out at the top of the document and then I can move on. There. Doesn’t that look pretty? OK, where was I.
Hold on – shouldn’t the title be centralised? Give me a moment, I’ll be right back. There we go. Maybe italics… and bold font? No, definitely not – far too crass. How about a subtle underline? Much better.
Great. Back to the text. How about changing the font?
Stop it! I can change the font later. Once I’ve actually written something… So: “There is a fine distinction between the artistic and the artisanal.” Maybe that should be: “There is a fine line separating the artistic and the artisanal.” Aha! I know: “The line separating the artistic and the artisanal could be drawn with a 7H pencil.” Or doesn’t that quite work? Never mind, never mind! Keep moving forward, that’s the key. Ctrl+S.
Do I really want to say ‘separating’? How about ‘dividing’? I wonder what thesaurus.com has to say about it.
Might as well open a new browser, wait for thesaurus.com to load… Oh look! A new e-mail in my google account. Well, a new e-mail in my spam folder, at any rate. Make that 374 new e-mails in my spam folder. I wonder what procedure my account uses to separate (or should that be divide?) between spam and genuine e-mails? Surely there can’t be an algorithm that faultlessly makes the distinction every time? I mean, I have been expecting that e-mail from the BBC people… It surely wouldn’t hurt to have a quick look.
Hm. No e-mails from the BBC here…Just a lot of people looking to sell me v1agra. Or viazqa. Or xiagra or even vpagja – whatever that might be.
Oh good – thesaurus.com is fully loaded. ‘Splitting’ isn’t bad… but ‘between’ is so much better! Right: “The line between the artist and the artisan could be drawn with a 7H pencil. The former devises concepts, whereas the latter sets up constructions…”
No – ‘sets up’ is no good. ‘Builds’? ‘Constructs’? Too clumsy with ‘constructions’.
I know – ‘erects’! Why didn’t I think of it before…
“The line between the artist and the artisan could be drawn with a 7H pencil. The former devises concepts, whereas the latter erects constructions distinguished more by technical ability than artistic merit.”
Ooh - I’ve got a new facebook message… ‘Someone has beaten your score in Elementz – would you like to play again and show them what you’re made of?’ … Don’t be silly, I’ve got a comment piece to finish writing.
I’m not sure I like writing it in Microsoft Word – too many formatting options are a big distraction. I should just start a new google document and write it there.
Ctrl-C. New browser… Opening google docs.
Ctrl-V. Right. Fresh start. Good, good. I’ve definitely made the right choice – Verdana is a far more attractive font than stuffy old Times New Roman. Now where was I…