Last Tuesday I watched a viral video showing Social Justice Warriors (SJWs) at the University of Cape Town, South Africa, decrying science as racist because it was developed by European scientists and isn’t applicable to Africa. Also, magic is real and science cannot explain how witch doctors can call down lightning bolts from the sky. When one scientist in the audience said that it wasn’t true, the SJWs berated and scolded him until he apologised. They ended by saying that people should decolonise their minds and reject Western modernity. I was astonished! These SJWs have opened my mind! How can I continue living with my mind colonised and poisoned by the evil West? I spat out my morning oatmeal in disgust. How can I eat this patently Scottish dish? #firststepindecolonisation. I then realised that I study at Imperial College London. Imperial! #educationcolonisation.

I stopped going to lectures and made it my life mission to decolonise the world around me. #endwesternhegemony.

I was dressing when I realised that T-shirts and jeans are American inventions. How dare the Americans colonise my clothes? In disgust, I took them off. I also took off my Uniqlo Heattech inner clothing. How dare the Japanese colonise my clothing after losing WW2? #endjapaneseinfluence. I kept my underwear though, since underwear was invented in China amongst other places.

I realised that electricity was a Western concept since it was discovered by Benjamin Franklin and generated by Nikola Tesla and Thomas Edison. I turned off all the electrical appliances and huddled underneath a blanket, annoying my flatmates. When they complained about the cold, I bought a sack of coal to burn for warmth and they promptly threw me out of the flat.

I first went to the Chemistry department at Imperial and loudly demanded that they stop teaching it since the basis of Chemistry was discovered and advanced by the Arabs. Alas, their colonised minds couldn’t take the truth and the security guard evicted me. I then went to the Mathematics department and screamed that Arabic numerals were invented by the Indians and that geometry was discovered by the Greeks, and the English should decolonise themselves and revert to using whatever number system the Celts had. This time the police arrested me for being a public nuisance.

I left the police station after telling them that since I decolonised my life, British law no longer applies to me

I left the police station after telling them that since I decolonised my life, British Law no longer applies to me. I spoke to them in Chinese since I had decolonised my speech.

Their minds opened by my revelations (or maybe because they were fed up with me), they let me go. I then went on a campaign telling people to stop using paper money, paper, gunpowder and the compass as they are Chinese inventions, as well as to stop eating pasta. How dare the Italians culturally appropriate our food? #endfoodappropriation. I was soon beaten up by a mob of angry people.

At this point you must be wondering what I’m doing with my life. That’s a very good question. However, if you think or say anything negative you have offended me and my safe space and I demand an apology or I will dishonour you and your cow.

I woke up in hospital, horrified that Western medicine was used on my body. I demanded that the medical staff apologise for imposing their view of medicine on me without my consultation. The nurse then screamed at me that they saved my life, but I replied that she offended me, and she left in a huff without apologising. The cheek!

When I recovered, I discovered that I was living in the United Kingdom, the land of the world’s ultimate colonial power! I decided to return to Malaysia, but realised again that it used to be a British colony! Horror! I had to go to Guangdong, China and find the village from which my ancestors left China five generations ago. I then realised that even the Chinese I spoke was due to imposition of Mandarin by the northern elite to standardise the Chinese language, and unfortunately I speak no Hakka, my native dialect! See how they erode our unique identity? #endnorthernhegemony. #longlivesouthchina.

That left the problem of how to go there. I couldn’t take automobiles, trains or aeroplanes. But I had one final realisation. The SJWs in the video said that gravity was a Western construct.

I finally realised that gravity was a Western conspiracy to hide the ancient golden age of humanity where people flew everywhere! After I type this article I shall reject the concept of gravity and fly to my destination, where I shall be a farmer. Without any land and knowing squat about farming, I shall subsequently starve to death, but hey, at least I will have completely decolonised my mind and life. I shall be truly free. And dead.