When I heard about the engagement of Miss Megahn Markle to Prince Harry, I was non-plussed. I have zero interest in other people’s happiness so I only noted the annoying way she spelt Megan. Extra letters are a classically pretentious way of trying to make something normal special. As a reminder to everyone out there that harbours these delusions, we all die, and eventually the universe will end. No one cares.
My main source of annoynance about this particular topic is the amount I’m forced to see. Normally, I can ignore the Royals by not reading tabloid newspapers. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate the fear and ignorance that flood from the gates of Murdoch’s media empire, but unfortunately, they cost money to read and are slightly less economical than actual toilet paper. I’m confident that there will now be daily updates as the national psyche gears up for the orgy of coverage of the actual event. If it was a funeral I might be interested, as I feed on misery, but if the media essentially expects me to be estatic about some healthy, happy and very wealthy people becoming even happier, they can fuck right off.
Weddings are shit. I’m fairly certain they are religion’s version of chicken, where couples, bound by the chains of marriage wait for their counterpart to admit that the relationship has failed and they hate them before an acrimonious divorce. The best man’s speech is always terrible, either attempting to be funny at the groom’s expense and failing, or accidentally revealing the STI-ridden sex the groom had with the stag-night stripper. The amount of money spent on idiotic clichés by gullible couples so that they can remember this day for the rest of their lives, if only as the event that burnt a hole in their bank account and destroyed their economic future. Half of the guests don’t want to be there and resent the wedding because x or y could do so much better. Admittedly in this case, it is hard to see how either side could do better. One is a successful actress and UN goodwill ambassador, and the other has dressed up as a Nazi and showed his genitals to Las Vegas.
My hatred of this particular wedding is deeply rooted in the fact that Royals are involved. They are by far the most entitled and useless bastards in the world with a poor history of weddings.
I’m unsure how long Diana lasted before Philip gave the order to closely acquaint her with a dashboard, but I have already planned my response to the divorce/assassination of Meghan in around 20 years. Given Philip’s advanced age he probably won’t have to a second time. Then again, it is well known that lizards can enter a trancelike state for hundreds of years, so he may be communicating telepathically with MI5 for centuries to come.
Something that garnered a significant amount of coverage from all this shitstorm is the race of Meghan Markle. Quite frankly, the race of Harry’s betrothed doesn’t matter: all that matters is that the Queen’s current host is getting on a bit and they’re all out of skins.
Most of all, my focused hatred is directed towards those students that set up bachelor and bachelorette parties for the bride and groom. Fuck your pathetic attempt at the popularity contest that is social media and fuck the society that encourages you. BBC news is truly for the weak minded.