As I watched Trump’s inauguration ceremony at fivesixeight, where I work, and observed exuberant Americans celebrating with champagne, I got thinking about my life. It’s been in a rut lately, just doing my tutorial sheets, coursework, revising, cooking my meals, feeling homesick over Chinese New Year, dealing with crippling insecurity etc. I needed to do something to pump some excitement into my boring life. After all, you’re only young once.

If you want to win in life, learn from a winner; specifically, a man who went from laughing stock to the 45th President of the United States. Inspired by the Donald and the right-wing conservative segment of American society, I set about making my life great again. I started the next morning with the most epic breakfast. I ate all the bacon I could carry, toast made from white bread (the whitest bread, so white, no more liberal hippie sourdough rye bread) in a special toaster to imprint an image of eagles on it and huge mugs of sweet black kaw-fee. Not coffee. Kaw-fee. I ate my breakfast with a gun. Don’t ask me how I did it, I just did. I then worshipped an image of Vladimir Putin.

I went to lectures feeling SO great. It was awesome, terrific, the BEST. My lecturer talked about climate change and global warming. I bellowed that climate change is a Chinese hoax. He snapped that almost all scientists agree that it was real. I said that it wasn’t. My fridge was cold. Also, China. China China China China China. He said I was mental. I said it was an alternative fact. Suck it. Patriot 1, liberal snowflake scientist 0.

Another lecturer told me that I hadn’t submitted the coursework due last week. I said I had. He said I didn’t. I said that it was an alternative fact. He said he’d fail me. I said that I would graduate with the BEST grades, so good, so good, people will say that no one else is so good. I went to Honest Burgers for lunch. I had a YUUUGGEEE burger, massive pile of Freedom Fries and a vanilla milkshake. It was so great. It was the greatest lunch in the history of greatness. Everyone said so, everyone. It’s amazing. It’s true. I skipped my afternoon lecture to launch my campaign to make Imperial great again. It’s gonna be YUUUUGGEEE! I said that I would build a wall around UCL. When they send over people they’re not sending their best. They’re bringing art, they’re bringing humanities, they’re not real engineers, and some, I assume, are good people. I would build a great, great wall and make them pay for it. I’m the best at building walls, it’s gonna be beautiful. I saw a woman with a disability. I mocked her and laughed at her until she cried. People screamed at me, calling me a horrible person. I said that I’m a winner and I can do whatever I want. I told them to join me. Together, we would win so much we’d be tired of winning. They walked away, unable to accept so much victory.

For dinner I made a T-bone steak so well-done the smoke forced the entire building to be evacuated. I ate it, the taste of charcoal in my mouth as the sign of success. I washed it down with a big bottle of California wine. You may ask me, how can I afford to eat like this? I took out a small loan of £10,000 from my parents. They’re gonna be livid when they find out.

I then realised that to complete my quest to make my life great again, I needed a woman. Shockingly, I don’t have a girlfriend. I went to the club and saw a bunch of 7s, some 6s, some 5s and there in the centre was a 9. She was amazing. She was gonna be my ex-wife. She looked like the daughter I would go ape over if I had children. I went to her and told her how great I was. She was gonna share in my greatness. She told me to go away and people started defending her. I thought of grabbing her by the pussy but the bouncers threw me out. Outside, a bunch of guys beat me up. I blacked out.

I woke up in the hospital with a great, great headache. I had so many bandages on. The nurse came to me and was like “Aren’t you that crazy person who yelled that he was decolonising his life?” I said that I was Donald Trump. She slapped me and walked off. Day one of making my life great again was complete. Tomorrow is a new adventure. A great adventure. The best. Everyone says so. It’s terrific.