Hello everyone. My name is Lef. Some of you might know me from my reign of terror as felix editor. Others might have spotted me making short sustenance runs to the union or the JCR (dem buns tho…) and might have admired my luscious locks or strong eye-liner game. Regardless of your relationship with me, sexual or platonic, I’m here to present my case to you and convince you to ‘elect’ me as your malevolent, tyrannical Dragon Emperor Supreme.
First of all I will rename the Union, the ‘State’. The State and I will be one and the same. I will make the role hereditary. The elections will be replaced by gladiatorial tournaments (these are purely for my pleasure, and serve no electoral function), which will conclude in foam parties.
No student will be left unfed. The streets will run beige with curly fries and sweet potato fries will fill your plates and your stomachs (beverages will cost extra).
I pledge to listen to YOU. All of you. All the time. Your dreams, your fears, your private desires. I want to be in your head. Or, at least in your house. I promise to bug every student’s accommodation and spend resources to monitor the feeds. Non-stop.
But, perhaps most importantly, I promise to correct the gender-ratio skew. I will end the awkward nights-out in Metric, where single women are surrounded by packs of hungry men. There will be no gender inequality in this institution. I have no interest in women, so they will all be banned and Imperial will become an all-boys university. The dress-code will be shirt-optional. On Friday, we’ll wear leather. I will smash the glass ceiling, and rebuild the entire university out of glass.
Also felix will basically become Dazed and every page will be a new-age arty centrefold. You’re welcome.
Vote Lef 4 malevolent, tyrannical Dragon Emperor Supreme. No one will listen to you as closely or as carefully as I will. Vote Lef, vote experience, vote leather.