So, it’s that time of year again and you are looking for a little bit of romance. Roses and chocolates are seen in every shop window, the nights are cold, and all you really want are cuddles, kisses and… rough animalistic sex. Now the question is, can you have both? Can you go from holding hands and looking lovingly into each other’s eyes to then suddenly being pinned down and slapped by your partner? When you start looking at the more extreme sides of BDSM, the idea of romance fitting into that seems less and less likely. But let’s try and break it down. Let’s go for an extreme example: let’s take a power play relationship where one of you takes the dominant role (dom) and the other the submissive (sub). This kind of relationship can have as little or as many boundaries as you like. For a sub dom pair to work they must communicate all the time, telling each other what they like and what they don’t; making sure they are both comfortable with the more experimental stuff they are trying.
Now quite a lot of people think that being a sub is lazy or weak, but as a matter of fact it is a very brave thing to do. To give yourself completely to another person needs a lot of confidence and more importantly trust. The trust between a sub dom pair is very strong and rightfully so; if you are going to have someone tie you down you need to trust them enough not to abuse the power you have given them. This level of trust is not usually needed in standard relationship dynamics, but romance is all about trusting each other with your feelings and emotions so in a way the trust between a sub and a dom intensifies the romantic aspect of the relationship.
Rough, kinky sex can involve a lot of things but one thing that must happen every single time is ‘After Care’. When the sex is done, and the panting ceases the dom must then take on the role of carer, kissing, stroking and cuddling the sub; this is what is meant by After Care. After Care is a way of showing the sub that everything the dom had done to them no matter how aggressive was not real, and that it was just an act. It is there to reassure both parties that the sex was enjoyable on both sides. It lets the sub feel safe and secure and allows the dom to be more affectionate and express a softer side. After Care is essentially when the couple stop being rough with each other and start being romantic. This has to be done every time rough kinky sex happens which means the more kinky sex you have the more romantic cuddles you will be having, which automatically increases your romance level.
“Romantic and kinky relationships are two sides of the same coin. They enhance one another”
Romance is usually associated with calm, slow -paced dates such as candle lit dinners, making out under the stars, and leaving flowers at each other’s door. Kinky activities tend to be the opposite of this, being hard, energetic and fast-paced. Sure, candle lit dinners are romantic – it requires planning, dressing up and choosing the best wine. But suppose you get turned on by something a little outside the norm – furries, for example (you can look that up on your own). Your partner may not be into it as much as you and yet is still ok with dressing up as one because they know how much you enjoy it. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is!
Romantic and kinky relationships are opposite sides of the same coin. They enhance one another, both contributing to the flourishing of your relationship. Romance keeps it caring and affectionate while the kinky part allows you both to experiment and learn more about each other bringing you closer together than you ever were before. Romance will always be needed because everyone likes to receive roses every once in a while. But for me without the choking, the biting and the scratching… well then its all rather boring. So, my advice would be next time you want to give your partner flowers, ask them if that is what they really want…