This week all of the gormless morons who managed to make it through the whole of an Imperial postgraduate course graduated. As I looked through the crowd of students desperately navigating their parents and loved ones to the ceremony, to be seated nowhere near one another, it struck me that all of their faces bore the same expression: relief. I think that probably sums up the Imperial experience that we were all mis-sold when filling out the UCAS form all that time ago. Thank fuck it’s over.

The weather really went for exactly the same thing as well. Not dramatic rain, just a persistent drizzle to make all the photos look foreboding and miserable, a further reminder of the true Imperial experience. I unfortunately had to come in on the day of graduation and everyone was using umbrellas, possibly the most lethal tool a small-statured pedestrian can possess short of an RPG-7. I assume that people use umbrellas to protect their expensive outfits, hat, and hair from the onslaught of said light drizzle, but is that worth the cost of someone else having to perform an inelegant ballet to navigate through the crowds? There must be a better way to protect one’s garments from the rain without causing inconvenience to everyone else. Possibly some kind of rigid head condom. I’ll have a chat with Des Eng, give them something to do other than eating rubbers and shoving pencil leads up their noses.

All of this just to protect the gowns they make you hire for the ceremony, atop whatever fancy clothes that people have chosen to wear. The graduation ceremony as a whole is an over-expensive opportunity to get a handshake from Alice Gast. It’s highly likely that the whole expense of the event just about covers the cost of her time to shake all of your grubby hands and pretend that this is anything special to her, before the next trainload of gullible money cows arrives in October.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure the graduation ceremony is extremely meaningful to some people and it is a celebration of your achievement at university. I just wish it wasn’t so expensive given that the faculty have essentially admitted that the tuition fees only cover the cost of the piece of paper they present at the end. Personally I’d prefer it if they stuck to the tie honoured tradition of workplace leaving dos: not-memorable and regretting it the morning after, but at least it comes with a free mug.

Grumpy Bastard extends their congratulations to those graduating and wishes them well for the next 40 years of drudgery before their inevitable descent into chronic illness and death.