Welcome to the end of the year. Whether it’s your first, second, third, or even fourth year at this fine institution, I’m sure you have all arrived in the same manner: bedraggled, exhausted, and with the eyes of a survivor of an artillery barrage on the Western Font. For those of you still here beyond four years, please contact the police, as you probably have an advanced and untreatable form of Stockholm Syndrome as well as chronic self-hate. If I’m honest, the self-hate never really goes, you just learn to hate everyone else until it feels normal.

I am really looking forward to the summer this ear, mostly because of the World Cup. As an ashamed Englishperson, it really is wonderful to go through the same masochistic expectation that maybe this year, the boys in white will make it all the way, only to eventually be defeated by some country that no one has even heard of, like Belgium. I think it’s entirely in keeping with a people that loathes itself so completely as to vote the Tories into power that we care desperately about a sport that we have absolutely no hope of winning. It almost brings a patriotic tear to my eye.

Another wonderful aspect of the World Cup this year is the country in which it is held. Never before has an openly expansionist, homophobic regime landed itself with such a propaganda coup. Come to think of it, I can think of one other regime, but I don’t think that the Nazis had to bribe the Olympic officials anywhere near as much as Putin had to give to Sep Blatter and all of his friends. Something that could be very interesting could be when the rival nationalist “firms” come into contact with one another. Firms, in case you didn’t know are groups of young en taht associate with different football clubs and occasionally meet to beat the shit out of one another. I guess if I was from Manchester I’d want an early death too. As two nations with a history of violence and then making it the rest of the world’s problem, I think it will be really nice to watch a proper confrontation between the pair of us. Let’s just hope that the FSB stops threatening the Mafia bosses and firm leaders long enough for the true competition to take place. I mean it’s not like they do it the rest of the time.

Overall, I can’t say I have high expectations of this summer’s football related phenomena. I just expect to be greeted by the site of more England flags, a surge in the membership of the EDL and more obnoxious dickheads blowing Vuvuzelas in public. All I want is for them to shut up so that I can continue to worry about the implications of the Singapore conference in peace. That and shitting myself over exam results. Grumpy Bastard would like to wish everyone the best for the summer, but is completely unable to. Goodbye dickheads.