Weakness plagues British politics, but not Top Gear

Britain’s political leaders are having a rough December. As three wise men steadily travel from the East to a barn in Bethlehem with gifts of gold, myrrh, and frankincense, it seems that we at home have been left to cope with three vain stooges that can only offer broken pledges, little international presence, and noticeable inexperience.

First, there’s David Cameron. He comes across as the sort of snotty fun-killing school prefect that commands his peers to stop setting fire to some first year’s testicles in the spirit of hearty Etonian initiation ceremonies, only to see the gang turn on him. And it seems Barack Obama agrees. Last week, leaked documents disclosed that the US President declared “What a lightweight!” following his first meeting with the PM and was distinctly unimpressed. Cameron’s transparent attempts at brown-nosing were also frowned upon by Obama.

Cameron’s international status was further undermined when England failed to secure the FIFA 2018 World Cup. Was the PM out of his depth when dealing with the crooked, two-timing shifty executives of football’s governing body? Three of FIFA’s executives are suspected of taking bribes in an alleged scandal involving around $100m of secret payments. A fourth is said to be involved in the corrupt sale of World Cup tickets. Did Cameron not understand that either you stay away from these unpleasant warts, and don’t go on a Sepp Blatter schmoozing trip to Switzerland, or you play by their rules? He was amateurish; his faux charisma no match for Machiavelli’s star pupil Blatter.

Regarding the FIFA World Cup campaign, don’t forget that Nick Clegg described the bid as “unbeatable” back in August. A prediction that proved dangerously premature. He also pledged to not raise tuition fees before the election and has conceded that he had “not been able to deliver the policy that we held in opposition.” To be fair, at least he has managed to achieve something that Labour rule failed to do over a decade; politicise the youth. Even if it is to aim fire extinguishers at him from Millbank Tower. Yet his inexperience is shining through. There is a reason big business doesn’t back the Lib Dems. Remember when everyone “agreed with Nick”? Nowadays, it is Nick that agrees with David.

But let us not forget Ed Miliband. When Gordon Brown left the political scene in May, having been a lame duck for three years, Labour had the chance to re-kindle the spirit of the early Blair era.

The leadership contest was largely between two brothers: David and Ed. David read PPE at Corpus Christi, Oxford; so did Ed. David got a First; Ed got a 2:1. David worked for Tony Blair, Ed for Gordon Brown. David became Foreign Secretary; little Ed had to be content with Climate Change. It seemed the natural choice to go for the brighter, more experienced candidate. But Ed won.

In the words of Russell Howard, Labour had just elected themselves a “melted Mr Bean.” He has been ridiculed for coining the slogan “Beyond New Labour” and some claim Ed is not moving fast enough to define himself and the party’s direction. He has yet to make key appointments, including director of communications. No single figure appears to be dominating his media strategy, leading some to state that he is missing chances to make a mark with the public. Ed is as ineffective as Facebook status updates. Is David’s experience missed?

There may be a solution to this plague of callousness and ineptitude that is consuming British politics. Three other men have headed to Bethlehem this winter to film a TV Christmas special. Wise is not a word that necessarily hits the mark, but they are certainly more entertaining, funny, and popular than Cameron, Clegg, or Miliband. Wouldn’t it be nice to see Clarkson, Hammond, and May go head-to-head in Prime Minister’s Questions?