Royalties from the Royalty

The British Monarchy as an institution is, we can all agree, quintessentially British. Defined by political impotence with a history of starting needless wars to satisfy stupid demands. A historical anachronism allowed to be a part of the elite out of politeness, with the mind to its occasional utility. The US needed Britain’s support during Iraq, to pretend it wasn’t the only ‘democracy’ going to fight there uh, for democracy, and the British Government sometimes needs the Royal Family to throw a good party. Because these are times of austerity! Wait…

So, forget the convenient Royal decrees that allow the government to overrule Supreme Court judgements, used to quash the claims of the forcefully displaced Chagos Islanders; forget the fact that royalty is a remnant of a horribly repressive, backwards and cruel historical era. Forget that the royalty own vast tracts of land, bought with tax-payers’ money. Forget that the symbolic efficacy of the Royal Family has variously been used to support raving nationalism (think Yukio Mishima and his Cultural Emperor, or World War Japan generally). The Queen appeared in Danny Boyle’s James Bond sketch at the Olympics. And sure Charles looks like a horse, but Princess D was an angel, wasn’t she? Look at all that charity stuff she probably did. And the poor sons, ordinary guys forced into such a hard position, the whole world watching. No wonder they go to parties dressed as Nazis, it’s the stress, poor things! And then isn’t Kate so good looking and clever, and a normal human being too. Those Royals can’t be all bad if they marry normal human beings. Plus they bring in tourist money.

You see that last bit is crucial. Most people aren’t willing to support the royal family without some apparent utilitarian calculation. They say: “No I don’t think we really need a monarchy, but they make us lots of tourist money and it would be a pity to lose it.” Fair enough, these are times of austerity! So okay, keep the Royal Family. I understand that they make a lot of money for us. I don’t know how anyone calculated exactly how much tourist money we would lose if the Royal Family disappeared, but economists are clever. Take the IMF: if unemployment really didn’t exist, their models would be perfect! Anyway, the Royal family makes Britain money.

But, let’s reorganise a bit so we can make more tourist money. These are times of austerity. A Royal Family Big Brother perhaps? A sort of Buckingham Palace zoo, where we can see Charles having his Duchy original blood-of-virgins-or-whatever jam for breakfast, the Queen on the toilet and Prince Phillip being racist to the assembled crowds? The Only Way is Sandringham House? It sounds ghastly to me, but then, I never did watch reality TV. At the very least it sounds like it will sell.