*Friends* With Benefits?

Casual sex, no fuss no muss: the holy grail for most guys. In this modern society, the taboo has largely been lifted on satisfying one’s own sexual needs. You only need to browse truelad.com for five mins to realise that most guys are probably whacking one out in the five minute break between lectures. As for the ladies, we’ve gone one step further; certain battery operated devices named after innocent woodland creatures that are endowed with not one, but three speed settings have been provided to satisfy our needs. And although these devices are life-savers, there is only so much love you can give yourself before the asymmetry between the musculature of your right and left arm becomes a bit of a giveaway. Solution: the fuck buddy. A number you can dial when you need to, someone who won’t spend the night and a relationship in which it is considered perfectly acceptable not to swallow. What could possibly go wrong?

Everything. The mistake most people make is to interpret the term ‘buddy’ too literally. Do not, I repeat, do not select an actual friend. At best they should be a casual acquaintance. Why? Because a) you already like this person enough for them to be your friend, b) you think they are attractive enough to sleep with, and c) you will be sleeping with them on a regular basis: one of you will develop feelings. The trick in selecting the perfect fuck buddy is choosing someone you find almost repulsive on an emotional or intellectual level, but whom you think is really quite fit (or failing that, at least fit enough to stick your cock in/have their cock stuck into you). An added bonus is to select someone who you can’t be with seriously due to externalities, e.g. a friend’s ex, an exchange student, a convicted criminal…

The key is to remember this is an exchange of goods (probably fluids, hopefully orgasms); it is not an exchange of personal burdens, it is not about your feelings, your friends, your coursework. Talking should be kept at a minimum at all times, but particular post coitus – a little dirty talk beforehand (i.e. verbal foreplay), however, is completely acceptable. Sleepovers are never OK; if you’re telling yourself it’s because it’s ‘practical’, you’re in denial: the reality is you want them to stay because you want to spoon and you want to spoon because you like them. In which case you are veering off the ‘fuck buddy path’, and onto the slippery slope to relationshipdom.

I have had two fuck buddy type arrangements. The first was a complete disaster, although in the long run it actually turned out pretty well: we ended up dating for around two years (for the majority of which I was deeply in love with him). My second and current fuck buddy meets all the criteria above: there is no danger that I will develop feelings for him, mainly because he is a complete and utter twat. So far, the sex is adequate, he has a nice body and a nice cock but he is a bit of a selfish lover (aren’t they all?). I’ve been seeing him since November. So far what have I learnt? As much as I like to pitch myself as a shit-hot, sexually liberated, independent woman and as much as I’d like to believe you could have great sex without succumbing to humdrum commitment, the truth is that prolonged sexual relationships are always infinitely more satisfying with feelings involved. A vibrator will never and can never replace a man, not because you miss the weight of his body on top of you but because you miss the intimacy of being with another person. Likewise, guys may joke about women only being superior to a wank because they come with a pair of tits and are self-lubricating, but actually they too also crave emotional closeness .For this reason, although the idea of fuck buddies is conceptually attractive, in reality they tend to only have a shelf life of a couple of months. Mine is already beginning to curdle and turn sour. As a result, I’ve deleted his number and invested in some AAA batteries instead – no muss, no fuss.