Sex in London | A short introduction

You moved to London! Wooh! Soon you’ll realise that this city is split into various different areas, each with it’s own set of tribes, social hot spots and cultural practices. Speaking of cultural practices, there are certainly sex things that are more likely to occur in some places rather than others. Here’s a guide that may or may not be based on real life experiences.

The City

You’re wearing a crisp pantsuit, power walking down liverpool street. You’ve just closed a really big account and you’re feeling like a million bucks, which is exactly what your annual bonus is going to feel like too. You walk into Liverpool street station and head straight for the nearest Costa. As you’re waiting in line you see a fellow suit. He’s hot in that banker way. You’re flirting. He smiles and gets up looking back in your direction. You leave your place in line and follow him, abandoning your 6th dose of caffeine for cottaging. It’s efficient, quick and you’ve come (pun most definitely intended) out of it with minimal creasing. Profit.

Soho

You’ve just stumbled out of G-A-Y. Those £3.50 rum and cokes have really impaired your vision, walking ability and general judgement. But hey you don’t care. You love it. Wait is that a song? Oh look that cute guy from the bar. Is he looking at you? He is looking at you! Maybe even smiling! You need to have a closer look. Next thing you know, you’re making out – wait no you’ve fallen over behind the dumpster. Wait is that broken glass? You don’t care. It’s hot, it’s dirty and you won’t remember most of it by tomorrow. Halfway through you sober up. You decide to wait until Dean Street opens in the morning.

Chinatown

You didn’t think you could have so many mixed feelings about a single place. Smells, colours, CROWDS – it’s all a bit overwhelming. Oh look! Cats! Look at them waving their little paws up and down! It’s kind of erotic. Wait. What? You shake your head and try and walk it off. Oooh! Matcha pancakes. God they’re sexy. What now? Why are you having these thoughts? For some reason everything about this place is arousing you. You decide to grab a bite. You enter a small chinese restaurant and order the Peking duck. It arrives, and with it comes a series of trivia about the duck penis’ explosive tendencies and gang raping behaviour. You will never have sex again.

Vauxhall

You’re so high you can feel your hair. What club is this now? Fire? Hardon? You’re pretty sure you started off at Horsemeat Disco at the Eagle (these are all actual venues). Oh well, it doesn’t matter. You realise you haven’t stood still once in the last six hours. Maybe it’s time for a break. You exit the club (It was Hardon after all!) and go straight into the sauna next door. Approximately 30 minutes in you catch crabs. You find out next week through a text from an unknown number.

South Kensington

You’re on your way to uni when a woman walks into you, spilling her coconut water all over your shirt. As she apologises, trying to wipe the sugary drink off your clothes, you realise she is the most beautiful woman you’ve ever seen. And she smells good too. Before you know it a man is by her side also apologetically trying to wipe off coconut water from your body. Wow his smile is bright. Before you know it and despite your protest you’ve been escorted into a car and are taken somewhere to “just change into something fresh”. Apparently everyone needs a change of fresh clothes though because in no time they are both naked and in the process of getting your birthday suit out too. You are used and abused and a polaroid is taken of you, before you are kicked out and left on the street, coconut water soaked shirt and all.

Dalston

You are having the best time of your life! Everything is so cool! The food is cool! The bars are cool! The people are cool! Omg what’s that? Was that Bjork? No – it’s a man in drag, serving Bjork realness! You want to be that man. You’re oozing cool from every single pore of your body by just being there. The only problem is you’re finding it really hard to find someone smoochable without a mustache. Male or female. Oh well. You’re just gonna have to deal with the beard rash.

Hampstead Heath

You’re so very relaxed. You’ve been reading your book all afternoon, had half a bottle of wine and a good amount of fancy ham and cheese. “Life is good” you think, as you close your eyes. When you next open them, it’s dark. You start packing up when that half bottle of rose hits your bladder. You dash into the woods and lower your trousers and pants in one swift motion. You sigh with relief, but the feeling is short lived as you realise you’ve basically walked into a group of horsemask-wearing men dogging. You slowly pull up your pants and back away, without breaking eye contact with the head stallion. You develop an irrational fear of horses.