The politics of pubes

Have you ever felt like someone was judging your pubes? Most of us have felt under some pressure to neaten up, groom, or man-scape our bits, but is this a social expectation that we place on ourselves, or do other people actually care about how well maintained we are down there?

When it comes to having sex, no one likes hair in their teeth, but it kind of comes with the territory. I think most people with a regular partner feel that some level of hair is certainly worth putting up with if it means getting to drop the hair removal routine. But while just about everyone agrees that it’s “polite” and “considerate” to trim, many people feel an extraordinary amount of pressure to remove all traces of these tufty curls.

Although being completely devoid of pubic hair runs the risk of making you look like a prepubescent, the way that we consume porn has often make it the expectation, particularly for women. For girls these days, this is something that starts as soon as the little curlies start sprouting, a contrast to a decade ago where removal of public hair beyond a bikini line trim was an alien concept to teenagers and seen only in Sex and the City.

But the times seem to be changing, with various fashion magazines declaring this year that the “freedom bush” is back in fashion. Actually, when people say “the bush is back”, what they mean is that now people want all hair removed from a woman’s genitals, apart from a patch at the top that makes your minge look somewhat akin to Donald Trump’s toupee, which is supposed to be artfully groomed so that it doesn’t look groomed at all. Of course, women naturally have a lot more hair than that, and this is actually even more effort than asking us to go completely bare.

But it’s more cleaner, right? Aside from wanting to feel sexier, the main reason that people give for wanting to, and expecting their partners to be clean shaven, or at least neat and tidy, is hygiene. But even that is a misconception – pubic hair is there to protect the delicate skin of genitals from friction, and the microscopic wounds created by all methods of hair removal create a breeding ground for all sorts of bacteria and assists transmission of STIs.

Really, are the stubble and ingrown hairs worth it? A pubic mound that strongly resembles a recently-plucked chicken is not a happy mound. It’s entirely your business what you do with your pubic hair; if it makes you feel sexy to know that no one will see the hairs in your butt crack when they’re ploughing you from behind, then more power to you.

But one thing that I’ve learnt is that everyone has pubic hair, and as long as it’s not matted and smelly, it’s not going to be a deal breaker. If you’re spending time every day in the shower twisting awkwardly trying to keep your undercarriage stubble free because you think that is what is expected of you, maybe try giving it a break for a while and see what happens.

Yes, there is unfortunately some social expectation, and maybe some people will be surprised – for all the 19 year olds I’ve slept with who’ve never seen pubes before – but when it comes to getting down, they probably won’t mind, and they might even like it. And so might you. If you’re experimenting with sporting a hairy muff, here are some hairstyles you might like to try.

The Bush

Minimal attention required. A good style choice when you have coursework deadlines coming up.

The Dorito

Good if you want an excuse for that cheesey smell. A surprisingly high-maintenance version of the original.

The Landing Strip

Or the Boyzilian. A solid å if you think that anyone heading down there needs directions.

The Moustache

Best worn during Movember or when on Erasmus in France. Perfect if you fondly call your junk Hercules.

The Donald Trump

Ideal for blondes. You can comb this so that it covers up your carefully constructed bald bits.