Masturbation

Yes, masturbation. We all do it, and those who say they don’t are probably lying. Right? Well, actually, maybe not. The felix Sex Survey reveals that year on year, about 10% of us never indulge in a little self-pleasure, with that number skewed by around a quarter of the women who never polish the pearl. So maybe we’re not all choking the chicken, but the question really is, should we be?

Despite the age-old rhetoric that wanking is bad for you, will make hairs grow on the palms of your hands, and will make you go blind, jacking and jilling off is actually good for you. It’s known to relieve stress, help you sleep, and is even known to help prevent prostate cancer. Are you really that healthy if you’re not giving the monkey a healthy spank every once in a while? Masturbation is the best way to get to know your body and what you like, which means that those who are stroking the salami regularly are likely to have better sex too. After all, how are you going to show the people you’re having sex with what you like if you don’t even know yourself?

But wait, I hear you cry! I (am one of the 58% of men, and 72% of women at Imperial that) have a partner – I don’t need to masturbate! It’s true that the topic of gilding the lily can be a bit of a sticky subject in a relationship. Some people feel guilty about getting off without their partners, and some even go so far as to consider it cheating (because those pesky insecurities call for the thought police). Certainly it’s a bit awkward if your boyfriend is working on a problem sheet and you’re sat in the corner rubbing one out, but with appropriate boundaries, cleaning the rifle can balance out uneven sex drives and provide some of the me-time that us millennials forget so often.

And moreso, we should be talking about it. We’re socialised to have such a high level of shame about flicking the bean, but it’s something that almost everyone does. Women tend to fall into two categories: those who vehemently deny that they do it, and those who gather in groups to swap Lovehoney recommendations. Men are more likely to acknowledge it casually, but God forbid they would have a serious conversation about tossing the turkey (festive! #BlackFriday). But why is this? There’s a lot of knowledge to be gained from sharing your experience with others, whether it’s a recommendation for a cheaper Hitachi alternative, or a suggestion for how long to microwave that melon for. Being open with your friends about jerking the gherkin is a good step towards being open with your sexual partners, and that can only improve your sex life.

So now we’ve established that we should be doing the five knuckle shuffle, let’s talk about how, and how often. From our felix archives, we know that (unsurprisingly) the men of Imperial are taking the sausage hostage more often than the women are clubbing the clam, with most men flipping the dolphin at least a few times a week. The girls are clearly busier, with most only finding time to double-click the mouse a couple times a week. People are all different, and as long as you’re not breaking the law and your bits aren’t sore (unless that’s what you’re into), there’s no such thing as too much. Just make sure you get those lab reports finished at some point, okay?

The ladies are also much more likely to have gadgetry assistance. Once they get to third and fourth year, most girls will own at least one sex toy (does it make diddling the skittle more efficient, or are they just too lazy to air the orchid manually?), but men very rarely dance around the maypole using anything other than their hand and maybe some lube. It’s best to mix it up with new sensations sometimes: men-friends, I’m buying you all Tenga eggs for Christmas. Personally, I like to finish off my days with a bit of Etsy kimono shopping. Sometimes it’s a frantic expression of horniness, and sometimes it’s time that I set aside for a bit of self-care at the end of the day. Bashing the Bishop is something that you should do for you, as it has the great benefits of making you feel good about yourself, while improving the sex you have with other people (although no-one will ever make love to you like you do). So get out there and make momma proud. Play pocket pinball to your heart’s content – you don’t need to be ashamed.