Can men advise on how to respond to sexual harassment?

Picture the scene: A friend of yours has just told you about an experience of theirs, one in which they experienced discrimination, and they’re pissed off. Why did they tell you? So you could explain to them how their reaction to the situation was wrong, right?

It’s not news that many women have to deal with a whole lot of harassment based on their gender. Sometimes it’s obviously misogynistic (“I like the way your tits bounce“) and sometimes it’s more subtle (“you should smile, beautiful”). It’s the kind of harassment that, on the whole, men don’t experience, and it can be difficult to convey just how prevalent a problem it is – which is why it’s important to talk about it.

When I talk to my friends – male or female – about being harassed, what I’m looking for is support. I have been told multiple times by harassers (and some family members) that if I dressed differently I’d be left alone. I have been told this while covered apart from the face and hands. It’s bullshit.

Although I know that it’s not my fault when I get harassed, it’s important to me that my friends reinforce this, instead of somehow making me feel responsible; in this, most of my friends are great, indignant on my behalf and sympathising with how annoying, upsetting or scary it was.

However, I’ve noticed a trend in some of my male friends’ responses when I come to them to vent about some random guy who felt the need to tell me how attractive (or not) I was: telling me I should have behaved differently.

There is no one phrase which will instantly deter further attention

I recently came home frustrated after having almost identical conversations with two men on the way home, both of whom took issue with my ignoring them when they “just wanted to give [me] a compliment”, wanting to have a bit of a rant and get on with my day.

My friend, a man, was naturally on my side, but criticised my response, saying that I “shouldn’t get so confrontational”.

To clarify, I had told the men that their comments were unwanted and unsolicited – I didn’t raise my voice, swear, or even respond until they became verbally aggressive when I ignored them. That’s not to say I didn’t want to, but for me, an encounter like this is a mental battle between “I want to provoke this person into reconsidering their behaviour” and “I don’t want to provoke this person into becoming violent” – the latter generally taking precedence. When these men became angry at being ignored, I felt my safest option was to engage. But what, then, was I supposed to say? Should I have smiled and laughed along, reinforcing their belief that their comments were acceptable, all the while itching to leave as quickly as possible?

I have tried this strategy and it does not work. You cannot play along forever; there comes a time in any situation like this where you have to tell the harasser “no”. You ignore them, you tell them you’re in a hurry, you tell them you’re not interested, that you don’t want to give them your number, that you want them to stop talking to or touching you, that you are ‘taken’, and sometimes one of these is enough, but sometimes not, and there is no one phrase which will instantly deter further attention. In short, there is no right way to react.

Of course, the primary concern should always be personal safety, but when this happens on a regular basis, “Sorry, I have a boyfriend” starts to taste increasingly sour in your mouth. So, sometimes, you get “confrontational” by pointing out that you’re not interested in a stranger’s thoughts on your appearance.

I know that my friend was just concerned for my welfare, and his advice given with good intentions, but when you don’t face sexual harassment on a regular basis it is harder to empathise with how it feels, so it’s infuriating when men give helpful comments such as “I’d be so sassy [in response to harassment] if I were a woman”, “why didn’t you just say you had a boyfriend?” or “I don’t get it, he’s just talking to you.”

If you’re a man and a woman is telling you about a time when she got harassed, there are a couple of things you should know: First, there are countless other instances she hasn’t told you about. This is not the only time.

Second, you cannot know how you would respond in her shoes because you have not experienced those countless other instances. Don’t try to tell her what she should have done, but be responsive to her feelings – if she’s telling you because it was funny, agree that it was funny, and if she’s telling you because it upset her, agree that it was upsetting. Don’t tell her that her emotions are wrong, and definitely don’t tell her that she’s overreacting and it wasn’t harassment at all.