Imperial taught me how to be a better DJ

This will be my final article for FELIX, as, after nearly nine years, my time has come to leave Imperial. This newspaper has been an important part of my experience here, back from the very first copy I acquired in freshers’ week and kept because it had the instructions on how to operate washing machines.

FELIX has given me much, though I never figured out at which point of the cycle you have to put the softener in, and it has afforded me space for some rambling articles that wouldn’t be out of place on an unread hipster blog, but which thanks to FELIX allow me to add “amateur journalist/writer” to my CV and keep a straight face.

It has given me so much that perhaps I can try to give something back; maybe I can pass my wisdom to the next generation on one of the skills I have found most useful during my time here: DJ-hood.

Let’s say you’re at a party, or in the laboratory, or in some other location where Spotify or an iPod has been hooked up and music is being played. Sure, you could let that playlist go on until it gets to those bands with more glockenspiels than followers, but isn’t it better to stand next to a computer all night, trying to come up with a new song every three minutes?

Your first instinct might be to put on music that you like, and if you’re like many people at Imperial you might want to put some metal on. Here’s my first tip: never put any kind of metal on. No Maiden, no Metallica, no Priest. It’s long and riff-heavy and screamy and generally not good for casual gatherings of people – unless it’s specifically metal fans, in which case metal will already be on. Good job, go back to drinking.

The same usually goes for techno, dance and electronic music. In most contexts, it won’t be any good unless people are drunk and dancing, in which case anything with a strong, fast, repetitive bassline will do. The Prodigy tends to be appropriate in these circumstances, as a lot of people will recognise their songs even if they are not especially familiar with them.

That is the key to being a good iPod DJ: good but recognisable songs. It doesn’t matter if it’s something you personally ended up loving after the twentieth repeat, slightly tipsy people will enjoy a song more if they can vaguely remember the words to it and hum out the tune. Most of The Beatles fall into this category, as does virtually everything on Michael Jackson’s Thriller.

Songs that appeal to '90s kids' include 'Smells Like Teen Spirit', 'Song 2' and 'The Rockafeller Skank'; other older but well known pieces are 'Should I Stay Or Should I Go', 'Superstition', 'Fortunate Son', 'Satisfaction', and many others. The absolute king of this class of songs is 'Don’t Stop Me Now' by Queen, which virtually everyone knows and loves and will dance to. And I can also guarantee you that everyone will be dancing to the 'Infernal Galop' by Offenbach.

But don’t get too hung up on the specific songs: there are just too many to recount here. Build a mental library of good pieces, switch up the genres and, most importantly, look at the people. If they’re bouncing, tapping their feet, singing along, then it means you’re doing a good job; if not, switch it up, change type of song, try something else.

Or maybe you could mingle with others and talk to them instead of trying to dictate what everyone listens for the night. Rather than getting hung up on the entertainment, you could actually get to know other people and dance with them instead of staying in the corner and watching them dance?

Nah. I was the iPod DJ most of the time, and it ended up alright for me. I’m writing for FELIXan article that can be summed up as “Good songs are good”: does it get any better than this?

So goodbye, Imperial and Imperialites, I hope that I might have entertained you at some point and taught you something. So long, and be good.