Grumpy Bastard Welcomes you to Imperial

Welcome to Imperial College London. I hope you understand that when pronounced correctly, those words sound “you’re not smart anymore,” or whatever “you’re not smart anymore” is in the language of your choice. We are, after all a hugely diverse community of individuals from countries all over the world. You might have been the best in your school, at the top of your class, but you are now mixing with individuals that are truly your equal. Most of you will adapt to this fairly well, but some, probably indirect contributors to r/iamverysmart, will continue to persist in the fallacy that they are still clever. Learn fast, or it will crush you.

Following this sage advice, I hope that you have exploited your fresher’s week to the best of your ability and mingled with your peers at the uni halls of your choice. If you are a student with the dubious honour of possessing a name that is hard to pronounce, be prepared for one of two reactions: either people will butcher it, and continue to butcher it for the rest of your life, or some pedant will insist on pronouncing it perfectly. The best way of getting round it is to never tell anyone your name, and be eternally referred to as either that guy or that girl.

For all freshers, I hope you are fond of the people that you’ve met over the last week. Prepare to abandon them and give them an embarrassed nod of recognition every time you pass them in a small corridor or rub up against them in Metric. If you’re particularly unlucky, they’ll have taken their shirt off and rubbed their sweaty nipples all over your body. If they’re particularly unlucky, you’ll enjoy it.

Ah Metric. That unique place where collective social-awkwardness, either not enough or far too much alcohol, and not enough space interact to produce one of the worst experiences of your life. You’ve hopefully had your first Metric experience at some point this week. I’m not sure if they’ll have unleashed the older years at the same time as you yet, but as a Fresher, beware of sharking. Going to Metric can occur in a similar manner to serious drug abuse. Initially you will attend out of sheer social pressure and a sort of excitement at experiencing such illicit pleasures for the first time. When you wake up the following morning, the main emotion will be self-revulsion, but the hooks are in your brain. Repeated use will occur, in some cases creating a dangerous dependency.

Overall, your experience of Imperial will not be determined by the course you have selected or the place you live, but by the people you meet and the friends you make. With that in mind, I can almost guarantee that your experience will be terrible. That is the environment that you create when you cram all that ambition to be an investment banker in one place.