I Hate Phones

No, you can’t have my number. Why? Oh, that’s because I don’t have a phone. Yes, that does make me a better person than you. Thanks for noticing! I’ve actually been living life without a phone for six months now, and I’ve really felt the benefits.

It’s not because I’m scared that the Chinese government are going to comb through my dick pics. In fact I welcome the Paramount Leader’s interest in my little comrade. It’s not even because I am afraid of the imminent zuccing I fear every time I drag my eyes through the pipeline of broken glass that is my newsfeed. It’s because I’m sick of the cult of indulgence that has sprung up around consumer tech. Who the FUCK needs three cameras in one phone? Who is taking three selfies at once? Why not just have one camera that’s three times the quality?

And while we’re at it, who on Earth is paying £1,000 for a glorified brick? You’d be better off walking around with your PC in your back pocket. Try putting a screen protector on that. What was wrong with the audiojack? Not waterproof enough? Stop putting your phone in water then, you fucking bellend. You idiots are paying hundreds for solutions to problems that you never had. Oh great, a digital assistant can make calls for you now? It’s a phone, fuckhead. It could do that anyway.

You can piss off with ‘foldable’ phones, too. I’d rather fold myself into a plastic wallet and jump into a laminator (I hope Xi Jinping doesn’t find those photos) than attend a keynote. What’s a fucking keynote, anyway? A TedTalk for how you’re going to shaft consumers this cycle? How fucking arrogant. I wish Tim Cook, or Mark Zuckerberg, or Jeff Bezos, or whichever human form he’s appropriated this time would just fuck off. If anyone was going to make the gilet any less fashionable, of course it was some horrible amalgamation of Pitbull and a naked mole rat. Tim Cook is just Steve Jobs with less megapixels and Sue Perkin’s haircut.

Is it too much to ask for people to stop staring at the fucking black boxes in their hands while crossing the road? While holding a conversation? I’m shocked Panopto doesn’t have a live comments section. Even if it is a cesspool of human interaction, at least I might see some sort of participation in a lecture. ‘Like this if you’re confused lol.’ Just give me some sort of meaningful human connection, for fuck’s sake.

Black Mirror was right, we’ve all fucked our attention spans away. So if we’re going to ruin ourselves with a bit of dopamine, why stop at Insta’s discovery feed? Catch me next year in my Pleasure Dome™, with VR deepfake porn streamed 24/7 into my dry and bleached eyeballs, while NHS-prescribed opiates are funnelled into my decaying, collapsed veins. Don’t forget the added Wank Master 3000™, which stimulates my little comrade to near constant climax. Thankfully, I’ll never have to leave the house again with iFulfillment, my newest comprehensive entertainment package that tricks my tired and decrepit amygdala into believing that I’m living a life worth living.

Sent from my iPhone

If you can think, and you think you can write, send us your opinions to: comment.felix@imperial.ac.uk