Catnip Monkeys return to basement following controversial new horoscope debacle

The Catnip monkeys have returned to the West Basement to run the Catnip column after numerous complaints from Imperial students regarding the quality of recent horoscopes. In a shock move, both new Catnip supremo Barnaby Hilton-Royce, and astrologer Mystic Mina have been booted from the editorial board, never to return.

A representative for Felix Editor, and notorious Frenchman, Felix Felix issued a statement regarding the recent changes: “Following the controversy regarding last week’s horoscopes, leading to a large haha deficit, the new editorial board has decided to bring back the monkeys in order to boost horoscope haha’s for at least the next quarter.”

The monkeys will be brought back on a zero-hour contract in accordance withUnion regulation to ensure they have enough time to see their families, provided our funny KPI’s are met. We look forward to bringing them back to the office, now renovated as a more comfortable working experience, rather than an office full of cages and typewriters.

Whilst Mystic Mina declined to comment, mumbling about “100% authentic hairline removal curses” when NegaFelix attempted to contact her, Hilton-Royce issued a full length statement on his Substack, “Notes of A Performative Son”. Hilton-Royce described the changes as a “complete betrayal after all the shit” he has done for the Catnip department, including unionising the monkeys, and offering complementary bananas.

The move has been met with much adulation from the monkeys, with several of them celebrating by performing sexual intercourse on the Beit Quad, and flinging piles of excrement onto the Union office windows – which, according to insiders, pushed for the removal of monkey staff writers following several controversies last year.