Horroscopes 28/05
Your weekly update on the positions of the stars
Aries
This week your case of athlete’s foot quickly develops into a case of athlete’s feet
Taurus
This week your favourite e-girl serves you with an e-restraining order
Gemini
This week disaster strikes when paramedics take man having a heart attack to the brospital before the hospital
Cancer
This week you tune into Radio 1 and Radio 1 Xtra at the same time
Leo
This week you are manifested by your stalker’s morning affirmations
Virgo
This week you find solace in Daft Punk’s old stuff
Libra
This week you stage an intervention for your former flatmates to tell them to stop being so obsessed with you
Scorpio
This week you have the best years of your life. They are dog years
Sagittarius
This week you try the Pope’s new trademarked Grain mix
Capricorn
This week the thudding in your head head stops.
Your migraine has employed British workmen
Aquarius
This week you raid fire on an administration by rearranging your homework folder
Pisces
This week you fill out the Felix Sex survey.
You could have sworn it was loose on you last year
