Horroscopes 28/05

Aries

This week your case of athlete’s foot quickly develops into a case of athlete’s feet

Taurus

This week your favourite e-girl serves you with an e-restraining order

Gemini

This week disaster strikes when paramedics take man having a heart attack to the brospital before the hospital

Cancer

This week you tune into Radio 1 and Radio 1 Xtra at the same time

Leo

This week you are manifested by your stalker’s morning affirmations

Virgo

This week you find solace in Daft Punk’s old stuff

Libra

This week you stage an intervention for your former flatmates to tell them to stop being so obsessed with you

Scorpio

This week you have the best years of your life. They are dog years

Sagittarius

This week you try the Pope’s new trademarked Grain mix

Capricorn

This week the thudding in your head head stops. 

Your migraine has employed British workmen

Aquarius

This week you raid fire on an administration by rearranging your homework folder

Pisces

This week you fill out the Felix Sex survey. 

You could have sworn it was loose on you last year