Imperial and Palantir start Mentat academy

Users of LinkedIn may have noticed the age of proactive career-oriented individuals posting on the website decreasing as the years go by, with many feeds inundated by sixth-formers and GCSE students posting about the various open days, extracurricular activities and internships they have secured before reaching the legal age of maturity. Recent estimates by Felix indicate that around 7% of LinkedIn posts are made by precocious teenagers hoping to gain the edge on the job market, and this hasn’t gone unnoticed by world-leading institutions and companies. To help ensure that prospective applicants are the best of the best, Imperial and Palantir have developed a careers accelerator aimed at students finishing primary school.

In a joint statement on Wednesday, 29th January, College President Bugh Hrady and Palantir co-founder Teter Phiel, said: “To quote Nietzsche: ubermensche. We need the overman, not in the modern sense of supermen, but in the true Nietzschean post-Christian tradition. We need people to sell their souls and morals to us before they really understand what those are, let alone what their own morals are. This is a febrile time, for us, and politically, as a great unveiling occurs. We need the best of the best and we need to mould these people who will do the unveiling without ideals such as "morals" or "doing the right thing". For humanity to progress and excel, we need to raise these children beyond that, and ensure we give the most talented, the most enterprising, and the most intellectual children that chance to really excel, and become, essentially the mentats, a vision from Herbert’s Dune.”

President Hrady added: “I’m in his thrall… I’m in his thrall! His lordship likes the hyperborean ones best.”

The Imperial-Palantir Mentat Lyceum, named after the school founded by Aristotle, will be built on a remote island 60 miles off the coast of Scotland. The school aims to use the Socratic method in its teaching, as well as a Hellenistic lifestyle, but was also keen to stress “no pederasty”. In promotional documentation the complex will feature: “a world-beating gymnasium, state-of-the-art technological facilities, and a cutting-edge raw meat diet canteen.” Students will be taught about “the Classics, develop a solid epistemological understanding of why maximising profits matters the most, and delve deep into the teachings of Mencius Moldbug.” Students will become proficient in computing skills, as well “surviving” in the “gruelling life on the Outer Hebrides”.

According to people familiar with the matter, internal predictions of the school’s success indicate that at least 70% of students will “outright die or be one-shotted by the ayahuasca graduation ritual”. Students who do survive will be guaranteed a place on Imperial’s coveted Computing degree course.

Students will be picked based on the results of a new 11+ test designed by top scientists at Imperial. The test will determine how good prospective candidates are at taking abuse from their line managers, using stimulants, and “being a 10x coder”.