Your letters, our love

Restraining order

Dear Aunty Fel,

I hope you’re well. I’m a confused newspaper editor in need of some help with a curious predicament I have found myself in. I planned to recover my ex-wife with an amazing plan. I was going to visit her flat and serenade her, as well as drop off a lorry full of flowers, on Valentines Day, and show her how I really feel. I was going to sing “La Vie en Rose” and had practised perfecting my French accent to make it extra sexy. However, last week I received a letter from the court: it was a restraining order. Is there any way I can still do this because I don’t want to lose her forever. Also, the flowers cost a bomb, and I already put down a deposit. Not to mention learning the guitar.

Help, fingers-bleeding and desperate,
M

Dear M,

I have only included one of your 11 letters this week in the paper as my inbox is getting very clogged up.

Regarding the flowers, I would advise you either donate the flowers to an old people’s home or lose your deposit. What flowers are they? They could be suitable for a funeral, too. It sounds like you need some hobbies, and copyediting does not count, so maybe flower pressing is your calling. I would not save these all for your ex-wife though. I think a gift you could give her this Valentines is personal space. You could even start seeing someone else to make her jealous. This is the oldest trick in the book and I’m sure she would love it. Worst case, try a TikTok “solo date” to a bookshop and an afternoon flat white.

Always,
Aunty Felicia

Lab monkeys

Dear Aunty Felicia,

I am open to all kinds of functions, so when a co-worker invited me to their swingers’ party, I was a bit apprehensive at first but then agreed. I just find it slightly weird that instead of sexual acts, all of my co-workers’ partners have me sitting in a room solving mazes against a monkey, while they dress in lab coats and write on their little clipboards. Every time I ask if I should take my clothes off, they zap me with a taser. What type of sexual pleasure do they get from this? Also why do the monkeys get pineapple slices, but I don’t?

EF

Dear EF,

I think you should be mindful of your friends and kink-shaming them. We all like to get up to a bit of monkey business sometimes. You should try and participate without criticising the terms to full enjoy this new experience. If you fully engage in the study I am certain you will get your pineapple slices. West Basement Studios is a very accommodating space and I am sure if you contact the Human Resources Department at Felix, one of the monkeys working in admin will contact you and refer you to CBT for a six-week course to help you reconnect with your sex life and your relationships with the other writers.

See you in the week,
Aunty Felicia

TikTok fashion

Dear Aunty Felicia,

I am rather confused. When I scroll through short-form videos I see people showing off their outfits, I recognise this what seems to be compulsion to hold your shoes up by the heel. Sambas, Gazelles, Doc Martens, New Balance, slingback heels, Mary Janes. But when I ask my friends what they are wearing, they don’t do it. Moreover, Clairo doesn’t start playing. I’m confused? Why don’t we show our outfits to each other like I see non-stop on Instagram? What does the art of the heel hold mean?

Regards,
Nervous Coquette

Dear NC,

I hate those stupid outfit tour videos with the stupid heel holding shoe reveal even though we could already see your new adidas gazelles because you show them in every single video on your profile and you’ve done an unboxing video. I feel the same about the leg pop to show the shoe. You don’t look cool and you aren’t avant-garde because you’re wearing a skirt with trousers underneath it, it just looks ugly, no one is going to scout you in central London to be a model when you are a woman under 175cm just because you have tailored Uniqlo trousers, Onitsuka Tigers peaking out underneath, with a thrifted pleated knee-length skirt and wear Clinique Black Honey Almost lipstick. Miu Miu do not want you on the runway, or a Replica perfume editorial, because you’re 5ft 6 and thin and carrying around The Bell Jar in your wide leg jean back pocket. Being an Instagram fashion influencer will not make you Anok Yai. Timothée Chalamet does not think you’re better than Kylie Jenner.