What do the stars have in store for us this week?

ARIES: This week your coke addiction will bring a new meaning to Zoom meetings.

TAURUS: This week your grandma will be no match for a small gust of wind.

GEMINI: This week you discover the third Corbyn brother in the West Basement. Now you know who’s been nibbling on all the broadband wires.

CANCER: This week you bump into Rishi Sunak crying into a Waitrose meal deal on the Metropolitan line.

LEO: This week the UK’s gross national product is what your flatmate left in the fridge for 7 months.

VIRGO: This week according to thew Farrow and Ball colour chart the phlegm you coughed up was “Spring Breeze.”

LIBRA: The week cut out the middle man on job search rejections and just get your dick out on Omegle.

SCORPIO: This week they come for the Socialists. It’s probably fine.

SAGITTARIUS: This week trade talks with the Rat King fall through.That man does drive a hard bargain.

CAPRICORN: This week Student Finance sends you a chest of haunted Aztec gold in lieu of your maintenance loan. Can’t wait to pay this back.

AQUARIUS: This week CoughSoc’s annual “Cough In My Mouth” social has been cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances.

PISCES: This week the prospect of a second lockdown looms like a heavy grey cloud over your cousin’s seventh birthday party. Looks like you’ll get to keep that Nerf gun after all.

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