Horoscopes 09/10/2020

What do the stars have in store for us this week?

ARIES: This week Piers Corbyn attempts to assasinate Alice Gast in order to “keep the number of G’s in Britain below 5”.

TAURUS: This week you put your foot in your mouth and end up ruining the yoga social.

GEMINI: This week how about you try not finishing the bottle?

CANCER: This week a friend will introduce you to an exciting business opportunity that will only end up costing your dignity, lust for life and £16000.

LEO: This week a thin slice of onion will come in handy when you lose your favourite bookmark.

VIRGO: This week you misunderstand Sainsburys’ online pricing and end up ordering not only a single grain of rice but 6kg of apples.

LIBRA: This week three small hoodlums break into your house and steal your favourite trenchcoat.

SCORPIO: This week you keep getting adverts for Imperial Pro. It costs £9250 to unlock the full feature package.

SAGITTARIUS: This week your flatmate takes a liberal interpretation of “Bay windows” by flooding your living room.

CAPRICORN: This week the Breakout spaces on campus take on a new meaning.

AQUARIUS: This week you offset your carbon footprint by walking on your hands.

PISCES: This week you have to tell your car-loving family that you are bike-curious.