What do the stars have in store for us this week?
ARIES: This week dress for the job you want by changing your Zoom background to the interviewer’s living room.
TAURUS: This week you remove your mask to reveal a second, smaller mask underneath.
GEMINI: This week the government predicts a dinosaur-shaped recovery.
CANCER: This week to avoid taking off your mask in public, you make a small incision on your abdomen to ram in a meal deal.
LEO: This week NASA announces water on the moon and semen in Uranus.
VIRGO: This week an ‘i’ for an ‘aye’ makes the whole world blayend.
LIBRA: The week the Corbyn brothers 8 through 19 form a K-Pop super group.
SCORPIO: This week they come for the juice as the editors are too spineless to do the real joke.
SAGITTARIUS: This week you read that the fine print on your Haunted Aztec Gold promises immortality. At least you think it does, as you lost your left eye in a bar fight in Port Royal.
CAPRICORN: This week you will find balance as a second stroke evens out the damage done by the first.
AQUARIUS: This week you get your initiation rituals mixed up and sing Estelle’s “American Boy” to the Saudi Soc Committee.
PISCES: This week you find out your Grandad pronounces it “Grin-dr”. You still leave him on read.