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The student newspaper of Imperial College London

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Issue 1753 (PDF)
The student newspaper of Imperial College London

Keep the Cat Free

Horoscopes 30/10/2020

What's your fate this week? Are cabbages involved?


in Issue 1753

What do the stars have in store for us this week?

ARIES: This week dress for the job you want by changing your Zoom background to the interviewer’s living room.

TAURUS: This week you remove your mask to reveal a second, smaller mask underneath.

GEMINI: This week the government predicts a dinosaur-shaped recovery.

CANCER: This week to avoid taking off your mask in public, you make a small incision on your abdomen to ram in a meal deal.

LEO: This week NASA announces water on the moon and semen in Uranus.

VIRGO: This week an ‘i’ for an ‘aye’ makes the whole world blayend.

LIBRA: The week the Corbyn brothers 8 through 19 form a K-Pop super group.

SCORPIO: This week they come for the juice as the editors are too spineless to do the real joke.

SAGITTARIUS: This week you read that the fine print on your Haunted Aztec Gold promises immortality. At least you think it does, as you lost your left eye in a bar fight in Port Royal.

CAPRICORN: This week you will find balance as a second stroke evens out the damage done by the first.

AQUARIUS: This week you get your initiation rituals mixed up and sing Estelle’s “American Boy” to the Saudi Soc Committee.

PISCES: This week you find out your Grandad pronounces it “Grin-dr”. You still leave him on read.

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