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Felix

Issue 1754
The student newspaper of Imperial College London


Keep the Cat Free


Votes finally in: Gore declared winner in Florida

Beve Stannon, Election Correspondent

1754 0022

Hangman

in Issue 1754

After 20 years of careful counting, the Florida electoral commission announced this week that the Democratic candidate Al Gore has secured the state’s 29 crucial electoral college votes in the 2000 election.

A DAMN GATOR JUST UP AND ATE ALL THE DAMN BALLOTS...

This will come as a huge blow to Republican candidate George Bush’s chances of being the next leader of the free world. However, some pundits were quick to point out that Bush Jr, having already served 8 years of the 4-year term may not be too perturbed by the result.

The Florida electoral committee, who operate out of a Tampa trailer park, explained the unusual tardiness by describing in breathless terms that “a damn gator just up and ate all the damn ballots. Then we straight up just lost them down the back of a sofa in Cletus’s front yard.”

As a result of this turn of events, It is expected that Mr Gore’s environmental platform will bring huge change to the North American energy sector. When Al Gore (middle), with iPhone legend Bono approached for comment, an Enron Mobil representative stated “Fuuuuuuck.” When pressed for further clarification he went on to ask “If Gore won the election, by what mandate did we invade Iraq? Now we just look like idiots.”

The campaign manager for the president-elect announced the line up for the inauguration party will remain largely as planned at the time of the vote, with appearances from Ja Rule and Destiny’s Child, and a special stand up set from beloved comedian and convicted sex offender Bill Cosby.

However, it is not all rosy for the Gore administration, which has already faced harsh criticism for its inaction over the 9/11 attacks, the subsequent wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, and the collapse of the global financial system in 2008. When pressed for comment, a spokesperson for the Democratic candidate said “Fair play, it did look a lot like they had WMDs.” It was at this point that the representative turned violent, and the interview came to a swift end. An additional sticking point has come from Gore’s involvement in the 2006 film ‘An Inconvenient Truth‘, which critics say betrays a conflict of interest with regard to the president- elect’s environmental policies. As one Republican pundit put it to Hangman, “climate change has clearly been invented by Mr. Gore to sell more DVDs“. The administration declined our request for comment on the matter.

It is expected that vote counting in Nevada for the 2020 presidential election may take a similar length of time. Pundits predict that by the time a winner is announced, the victor will be retroactively held responsible for a Latin American coup, several baseless middle eastern wars, and the collapse of the global financial system.

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