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Issue 1762 (PDF)
The student newspaper of Imperial College London

Keep the Cat Free

HS2 hires environmental protestors

The environmental protestors accused of digging a tunnel under Euston station have been hired by HS2 to speed up work


in Issue 1762

The infrastructure project HS2 to extend and upgrade the London to Birmingham line and other lines onward to Manchester and Leeds has been beset with objections about everything from the potential environmental impact to the destruction of historic houses leaving it in administrative limbo for years.

Recent efforts to clear out protestors against the line found two tunnels hundreds of meters long that stretched from the protestors’ camp under Euston station. Constructed in complete secrecy these tunnels were only uncovered by bailiffs sent in to clear the camp.

After initial anger from team leads on the project many of the protestors have been given jobs working on the railway project. Project manager Carchie Oombs said in a statement “Those protestors have shifted more earth in a couple of months than we have in 4 years. We need those diggers”

Lead protestor, Daniel “Swampy” Hooper spoke to NegaFelix, wearing a high vest jacket and a hard hat over his dreadlocks. “We were originally sceptical but they told us we could keep any roots or pretty rocks we find most of the team was pretty excited”

Controversially, Oombs has admitted that convincing the protestors to get involved required giving them a say in the route. The new route proposed to the Please Just Do Some Work Special Parliamentary committee set up to monitor HS2 progress is 60% longer as it weaves to avoid woodland of any sort and pass within 10 meters of every Tory MPs’ first and second houses.

Objection to the new scheme was initially fiery with concerns raised by the Middle Class Alliance that the noise of digging would disturb idyllic Cotswold environs. Many protestors quietened down, however, when informed that digging teams had already been past their house and were how in the vicinity of Carlisle.

In fact, the scheme has been so successful that the government has launched a new recruitment campaign to convince previously untargeted demographics to go into civil service and civil engineering. Job requirements are facial tattoos or piercings and dreadlocks (white). Applicants must own more than four amulets and anyone that has ever used aerosol deodorant need not apply.

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