Education Secretary Gavin Williamson has announced a set of policies to tackle the real issues of this pandemic: namely, the ‘scourge’ of no-platforming in UK universities. These plans include the appointment of a Free Speech Connoisseur to the Office for Students who, according to leaked emails, will ensure cancel culture is kept at bay by storing kompromat on every sabbatical officer in the country.
“Under our new rules, everyone will finally be able to express themselves freely on campus without the threat of the baying woke mob” he told Felix, while shooing away a starving Year 5 boy asking for a laptop.
“Except if you’re Palestinian, or if you want to protest, or if you’re a threat to the British state… the point is, Richard Spencer could call for a race war in MR4 and I wouldn’t bat an eye.”
“Look, all I’m saying is, if you had a bunch of rats fucking and breeding like crazy in your walls you wouldn’t be nuts to think you had a bit of an infestation problem,” said Conservative Society member Adam Remington-Blackwood, frantically pointing towards a graph showing the ethnic minority population in the UK. “You might even want to get a cat to get the situation under control. But the cultural Marxists controlling the Union don’t want cats like me to speak. They don’t even want you to know there’s a rat infestation.”
But what did Union President Sabbijay Ood think about the campus free speech crisis? Felix decided to sit down with him to find out more. However, upon entering his office, he proceeded to swiftly hide what seemed to be a little red book underneath his desk.
“Under my five-year plan, we will not be reaching net-zero speech until 2023 at the earliest. What’s all the fuss about?”
After being questioned on whether he intends to still be here in five years’ time, security proceeded to promptly escort Felix off Union premises.