Every academic year, the Imperial College Business School attracts eager young professionals from all over the world to join a community of students keen to sell their souls to the finance sector.
We recently gained access to an unreleased copy of the Business School’s new list of course offerings. Here are the courses we anticipate will be most popular.
1) MSc. Finance and Accounting
Students on this course will gain an in-depth understanding of financial accounts, demonstrate practice in building financial models, and be able to evaluate financial positions and risks. If your dream job as a child was to work with Microsoft Excel all day, this course is perfect for you.
2) MSc. Entrepreneurship
Do you have a business idea that you believe will make the world a better place? This course will not only make you think it’s somehow possible, it will also make you believe that for some reason you should be the one to change the world! Similar results can be achieved by micro-dosing LSD in a cave, but we’ve got five cafes and last year our loos only flooded twice a month!
3) MSc. Applied financial technology
If you woke up a couple weeks ago and was feeling out of the loop, like why are so many people rocketing to the moon, and what kind of disease paper hands is, then this course might just make you say “much wow”. This programme covers all the important jargon that modern investors use, and gives you hands-on experiences in creating your very own.
4) MA. Gender and racial equality in business
Are you stupid enough to think that capitalist institutions are the solution to, not the cause of, gender and racial inequities in modern society? Then this course is for you. Students on this programme will learn how to become the token diversity Executive Officers whilst simultaneously not challenging the system that prevents people like you from getting there in the first place.
5) MEng. Investor and customer relations
Has this ever happened to you: your manager asks you to review a list of suppliers for your client, a multinational tech company, and you don’t know if you should recommend the local suppliers, who ugh are so needy because they won’t work for anything below a living wage, or the 12-year olds in Laos who are super adorbs and won’t think they’re being exploited? If you answered yes, then this course will teach you everything you need to know.
6) MEng. Risk management
This programme is all about problem-solving skills. For example, the media finds out that your company hired Colombian death squads to kill natives for you oil pipeline. What to you tell your PR team?
7) MA. Wealth management
We all know someone who’s spent thousands of pounds tending to their K-pop addiction. How can we apply mathematical tools to calculate the best merch to invest in, if at all? What investment strategy should be used to maximise the returns you put into making Jungkook fan edits?
8) MA. Strategy in business
Your union-busting goon squad is threatening to unionise. Anyone who’s taking this programme will learn that the best solution by far is to hire a goon-squad-union union-busting goon squad. But what if your goon-squad-union union-busing goon squad wants to unionse? You’ll have to attend this program to find out.