Exclusive: Lead on church roofs blocks God’s vision

by NegaFelix
on 3 June 2021

in Issue 1772

The world Christian community has been rocked by revelations that God hasn’t been able to see or hear anything going on in churches for the last 1700 years due to the lead used in church roofs.

Church leaders have revealed that the lead used to keep off the rain has also been blocking prayers from reaching God.

This fact came to light thanks to the efforts of two metal thieves in Aylesbury. Working over two weeks and late at night the two men, Feb Senton, 48, and accomplice Gaaron Uha recently turned 43, stripped Aylesbury Parish Church of its lead roof. This meant that on the following Sunday, unbeknownst to the congregation, they had a direct line to the Lord. Everyone in church that day was surprised when their prayers for Mrs Miggins not only fixed her sore back but also knocked 60 years off her age and gave her a successful medium sized catering company. Other prayers had similarly strong effects with Mr Jones’ prayer for an end to his baldness resulting in 100% body hair coverage and 7-year-old Olivia Philips’ prayer to be a princess causing a coup in Brunei.

A spokesperson for God told NegaFelix that “God hadn’t heard any prayers in centuries, so when these ones came through, he might have acted a little enthusiastically”

The Pope has declared that the two metal thieves will be canonised.

Theologists have suggested that this revelation may have significant repercussions on interpretations of scripture as now, rather than trying to decipher ancient Hebrew and Aramaic scraps of parchment they can just ask God what he meant.

For example, early reports suggest that Moses might made a number of spelling errors when copying down the Ten Commandments. While modern texts have recorded God as saying “Thou shall not lie”, this has been corrected to “Thou shall not sigh”, a request made to the Israelites, walking through the desert, to stop being such downers.

Aylesbury Parish Church Vicar, Reverend Milton was unreachable for comment, fleeing from our reporter in a very new looking Ferrari.

Also in this issue...

Hangman

Business school courses for 21/22 revamped

Calls for new Imperial logo to be replaced as petition exceeds 2,700 signatures

College says it will “take any opportunity to hear what people think, to listen, and to answer questions.”

Imperial steams forward with ‘horse sh*t’ UN mural

‘It‘s sh*t,’ say students, as College President Hugh Brady claims ‘enthusiastic’ support

Imperial back to winning ways on University Challenge

Felix spoke to Imperial’s University Challenge team after its 285-145 demolition of Balliol College, Oxford.

ICU Elections: Student disillusion casts pall over Union President race

Over 40% of voters opted for candidates with no manifesto promises.

Union Council to vote on Imperial logo next week

Motion calls for Imperial to seek more feedback on new logo before continuing rollout.

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