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The student newspaper of Imperial College London

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Felix

Issue 1774
The student newspaper of Imperial College London


Keep the Cat Free


British sunbathers final defence against climate change

Hangman

in Issue 1774

This week climate scientists, were shocked by the readings on their instruments that showed that global temperatures had in fact dropped by 0.1 °C over the weekend. This is equivalent to 500 thousand tons of CO2 being removed from the atmosphere. 

This effect was found to be the result of suddenly warm weather in the UK which prompted half the nation to strip off and show skin for the first time this year. So much snow-white skin was revealed at once, in fact, that it acted as a major solar reflector, sending IR radiation back out into space. Using census data, scientists have calculated that for such a major effect 58% of the nation’s skin had to have been out over the weekend. 

Boris Johnson, a major contributor to the effect himself, has praised the British people for their contribution to Britain’s target of carbon net zero and suggested that the rest of the world could pay Britons to sunbathe in order to buy the world more time to develop alternative energy sources. However, sociologists have poo-pooed this idea. The only reason, they say, that there was so much white skin on show was the surprise nature of the warm weather. 

Puchismita Saul, a prominent UK scientist, told NegaFelix “Unfortunately, we predict that this effect will only be short lived. Fake tan bookings have sky rocketed this week meaning that we predict a decrease in the reflective gloss index of the British population of up to 38%.” The effect is also unlikely to occur again in future years. Saul told NegaFelix that lockdown had kept Britain from its usual spring occupation of artificially turning orange. 

The world, however, is not quite so ready to give up on this glimmer of hope. Governments around the world are insisting that the PM pass laws to outlaw tanning beds or fake tans and the sale of long trousers. 

Environmental activists have not waited for the government’s go ahead. Yesterday, Extinction Rebellion protestors firebombed a Gap after it advertised a long sleeve linen shirt. 

Possible methods for keeping Britons outside have been discussed in the House of Commons, ranging from subsidies linked to the acreage of skin on show to mandatory periods of exercise in the nude. However, polling by NegaFelix has suggested that putting up large screens in parks and showing the 1966 World Cup final would be most effective. One Watford resident told NegaFelix that they were quite excited by the prospect. “There is nothing I would like more than to watch Bobby beat the Krauts with my top off ”. 

Some have voiced concerns that as Britons stay out in the sun, they are likely to tan and so reflect less light, however, they were laughed out of the conference for clearly never having met a British person before and thinking that they could tan. 

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