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Issue 1774 (PDF)
The student newspaper of Imperial College London

Keep the Cat Free

MI6 refuses to reveal source as they are scared of pronouncing name wrong


in Issue 1774


The court case against an international crime boss has been setback by the refusal of MI6 officers to cooperate with the court case. 

Following years of investigations costing hundreds of thousands of pounds, mafia boss Jag Äpplarö has been brought in front of a Crown Court judge. However, MI6 agents have held up progress by an instruction by MI6 boss Netchara Pewson ordering that no MI6 agent should take the stand before they are totally able to pronounce the defendant’s name. 

MI6, which has long been known for its “tap on the shoulder” style of recruitment, has been unable to find anyone in the organisation with any experience of foreign names said James, an MI6 insider, who has kept his surname secret to avoid being identified. 

Officially, MI6 has denied this and has maintained that they are dragging their feet for procedural reasons. An official spokesman, however, was unable to explain why they had just launched a ‘super, super fast stream programme’ that is advertised as offering immediate hands on experience at the heart of major investigations and is only open to people not called James, Harry, Tom or Olivia. 

James told NegaFelix that “Pewson is terrified that whoever they chose to go into the witness box will get themselves, MI6 and the whole court case torn apart on Twitter if they pronounce the name wrong. That is why she is dragging her feet. I don’t understand it myself, it is easy, watch. (it is editorially impossible to print the words the source told us but we can assure they that they were not even close). 

Journalists watching the front of the Vauxhall Cross MI6 building have reported that a succession of dialect and speech coaches have been seen entering and leaving the building, all looking much more tired and cross than when they went in. 

Other criminals are taking note of the court case. One person NegaFelix spoke to was recently released after serving only 5 years of multiple consecutive life sentences at HMP Belmarsh. The source who asked that we refer to him as “the serial killer formally known as Feb Senton and now going by Pthabngxjon” told NegaFelix that after his changed his name, the parole officer took one look at me and “preferred to release me than deal with the stress of pronouncing the name right”. 

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