This will start as usual, with a funny story. I wanted to write about some lamb ribs - see, I kind of have a thing with ribs, but then the subject changed to comfort food (I am stating this in case you didn’t notice already) and because East Europeans don’t do comfort foods, they do alcohol, here I am.

My sincere opinion is that alcohol shouldn’t be mixed with anything else; also, different kinds of alcohols shouldn’t be mixed. I mean, yes, some of the cocktails and different mixtures found in shots are cool, but not too often. I know, I’m disappointing the student spirit in you, but, hey, as a person who can drink a whole bottle of vodka (a medium one) and not end up in a hospital, trust me that I know what I’m talking about. So, here are the best comfort drinks depending on the situation:

Did they break up with you over text?

Well, I suggest you to find a bottle of vodka. Forget about them! Forget about the fact that you should be studying! Forget about everything! But if you don’t want to be in this college for one more year, just head to the closest place that has nipples - pun intended - and try a Buttery Nipple or a Slippery Nipple; basically, just some Baileys Irish Cream and Butterscotch Schnapps. Or something very sweet and creamy - a White Russian maybe.

You did not, in fact, pass that exam?

Oh, it happens even to the best of us, don’t worry. But if you failed your exam because of drinking, maybe you should ask yourself some serious questions and stop drinking. Ask for help? I don’t know – but if you failed your exams because you were too stressed, then you need some help to relax. Maybe you want to feel like Alice in Wonderland (Grand Marnier, Tequila, Tia Maria) and combine oranges and coffee, or experience a Mind Eraser (Vodka, Kahlua, 7-Up).

Your algae just died? And they keep dying?

Yes, this is specially directed to biologists. But, well, if any of your experiments died/exploded/failed/weren’t muddy enough while you weren’t on watch, just take your group mates and head for the closest place where you can enjoy some really good Kamikaze (Vodka, Triple Sec and Lime) or A Kick in the Crotch (Vodka, Blue Curacao, Cranberry Juice) but don’t take it too literally. Alternatively, go for a healthy detox and blitz that algae with some kale, quinoa and blueberries. That will take your mind off their death.

You ran out of money?

Your parents decided that you don’t deserve that much anymore? Your student loan is… not coming fast enough? Oh, well, then you shouldn’t drink. That simple. But you still can probably afford a couple of beers. But, well, if you really want some comfort, go and have an amazing freakshake and indulge into too much chocolate. Or get some chocolate milk at home while watching some Netflix. We know it’s not alcohol, but you will still feel better and without a migraine.

Your goldfish died?

This one requires something very strong, because, let’s face it, you loved that goldfish! And it dared to die! Son of a bitch! But you still miss it! Ok, we get it, your feelings are very contradictory. If you feel fancy, go somewhere where you can find some Corpse Reviver (Lillet Blanc, Gin, Blue Curacao, Lime Juice, Absinthe and lemon), but don’t treat your fish with that. Who knows, you might start a zombie apocalypse! Or you can just go for the pure absinthe. Stronger, but you actually need that strength, right?