Is infidelity really such a crime?

Our society pours so much scorn onto cheaters. After public outcry, John Terry was stripped of the England captaincy because of his infidelity. Can you imagine getting chucked out of university because of your personal life?

And speculation about whether Brangelina got together before or after his split from Jen dominated the press for what seemed like an age. Does it matter? Does it affect you?

I’m not saying anger is unjustified, or that being betrayed doesn’t hurt like hell. Just that the punishment doesn’t quite fit the crime. Many of us have done it. And if you are sitting there thinking you have never even been tempted…well I’m sorry, I simply don’t believe you. When a relationship is on the rocks, we reach out to someone who can give us what our partner cannot. Making spurious judgments about the lives of others is such a waste of time, perhaps understanding might be a bit more productive.

For some, infidelity is a sign of inner turmoil. Not only should we avoid judgement, perhaps we should even be sympathetic to these lost souls

Weirdly, my mother told me that when she was young, her relationships had a tendency to overlap. As you can probably tell, my upbringing was quite a liberal one. Her ‘experience’ illuminates an important point. We all follow ‘patterns’ in our relationships, even people as lovely as my mum. Many of us will leave our boyfriend or girlfriend only when we find another person worth the effort. It takes a great deal of courage to end a relationship as soon as you realize you are unhappy. Is it any wonder that some of us will cheat before we realise exactly what we want? For some, infidelity is a sign of inner turmoil. Not only should we avoid judgement, perhaps we should even be sympathetic to these lost souls.

I can just hear you now. "You wouldn’t say that if it happened to you". Yes, fair enough, I’ve never been unfaithful, nor, to my knowledge, been cheated on myself. But I have felt my eye wandering. I can understand how angry my boyfriend would have felt if he found that out, how hurt, how disrespected. In a sense, my attitude is actually more judgemental. I consider wanting to cheat as much of a betrayal as actually doing it. But I’m sure if we could see everything our partners were thinking, there would plenty to get angry about.

Don’t get me wrong, I do have a conscience, there are some things that are just plain wrong. Repeatedly lying to someone, either to maintain an affair or to have a lot of little ones, deserves our scorn (step forward Wayne Rooney). But there are so many good people who have done this. I fully admit to being capable of doing it.

I guess it comes down to a sense that staying with someone you don’t care about is just as hurtful as cheating on them. If you feel your relationship getting stale, either work on it, or end it. In my opinion, if people actually act on their adulterous impulses, it’s a sign of weakness, or drunkenness, or both. It is not necessarily a sign of an immoral character.

To assume that you would never, ever cheat given the opportunity is a big claim. And one I think few people could honestly make. So why waste time judging those who do?