Essential things that all scientists should know

Five Awesome Science Chat-up Lines

You’ve all heard about the famous Imperial ratio, so yes, we are a male-dominated university. However, if you are male, you are quite likely to run into a female that catches your attention at some point. In this event the following chat-up lines are to be in no circumstances deployed. You will not only have cemented your self as a person with the social aptitude of a teaspoon, but will have also ruined your chances with said female. If you are a female, feel free to use them, I don’t think it would substantially hinder your ambitions.

1: "Would there be any resistance if I asked to take you ohm?"

2: “How can I know hundreds of pi digits… but not the digits of your phone number?”

3: "You are an acid and I am like litmus; every time I meet you I turn bright red"

4: "You’re so sweet, I am developing insulin resistance"

5: "I’m studying quantum physics so I know we’re going back to either your place or mine."

Four Useful Hangover Tips

Being a university student, let’s face it, you will probably spend a disproportionate amount of your time consuming alcohol and a lot of the time this will be during the week when you should really be sleeping in preparation for a day of lectures or labs etc. So, how do we solve the problem of the hangover that will make us rue our existence the next day? Well, we’re scientist aren’t we! Logic will prevail!

1: Before you drink eat a meal that is full of carbohydrates. This will prepare your stomach for the alcohol and increase the time taken for the body to absorb the alcohol. Also take a vitamin tablet, this will help top up the vitamins that you will lose through frequent urination.

2: To lessen your morning suffering take a vitamin supplement in the morning and then, if it is really severe, some scientists have suggested that diarrhoea medicine will help because it replaces minerals and rehydrates your system.

3: New research has suggested that the famous bacon sandwich does indeed have soothing effects on a hangover. The food increases your metabolism and the protein in bacon breaks down to amino acids which replace neurotransmitters. Couple with a glass of orange juice (vitamin C helps get rid of toxins) and a banana (potassium helps regulate the your body’s pH balance, and hopefully you should feel a little better.

4: Finally you could just delay the hangover with the ‘hair of the dog’ method which just requires that you carry on drinking when you wake up. But unless you plan to spend your life in a state of perpetual drunkenness you’ll have to face the pain eventually.

Three ways to bluff your way through tutorials

In the event that your attempts at preventing a hangover fail miserably, you are going to need to use some damn good bluffing. Luckily I have just the thing for you.

1: If your tutorial is in the morning you can claim that you have delayed sleep-phase syndrome. This generally causes the sufferer to have great difficulty in waking up early. Just make it seem like you are about to die and the tutor may feel sorry for you.

2: _If you haven’t done any work, the safest bet is to pretend to ask a question. Start by pointing to a question and saying, ‘I just wanted to ask you about this, so I integrated (or plotted a histogram if you’re a biologist) and…hmm…’ Now stare intently at the paper for a few seconds and then exclaim, ‘Ah! that’s it, thank you so much professor’. Then strut off looking extremely excited about your breakthrough. _

3: The absolute ultimate excuse requires a little bit of work. first discover what your tutor’s area of interest is, then look up a few facts about it. Email your tutor a few hours after the tutorial apologising profusely for not attending and then explain that you were at a lecture on their particular interest and say how fascinating it was. A risky strategy but ultimately the most effective if you can pull it off.

Two lines that you must prepare your mind for...

People who say these lines to you can basically be disregarded as lesser social beings...

1: “YAH, but A-levels were, like, sooo easy, I literally did no work.”

2: “Yeah, I applied to Oxford/Cambridge, but I didn’t want to go there anyway"

One book you should pretend to have read

‘The Trouble With Physics’ by Lee Smolin

‘In search of Schrodinger’s Cat’ was so three years ago, this is the new book to wax lyrical about. If you’re a physicist, you should actually read it, otherwise just tell people you have, mutter something about string theory and wave your hands around (gesticulating wildy throws people off and makes you seem clever yet loveable)