Footballers spread culture to Budapest and Bratislava...

An early morning Wetherspoons heralded the beginning of the ICUAFC Tour 2010, with 21 of the current batch of Airborne Rangers primed to spread their unique culture to Budapest and Bratislava. Little time was wasted on arrival in Budapest and Szimpla was the first port of call. Militant tour matchbox was initiated and several pints of Hungarian mind-alterer consumed. Their properties were soon on show as The Black Plague declined to follow the convention of closing the door when liberating Richard the Third. The night advanced to Rumkert on the banks of the Danube where Harry Potter was lurking ready to acquaint itself with Susan Boyle. A wedgie of outrageous proportions was dispatched, ending in Earthworm Jim displaying his earthworm on the dance floor.

The first full day of the trip brought the arrival of the Human Malteser and the first game against local ex-pat outfit Budapest Celtic. The game started well for IC with Bola Bola Loser Cunt converting a simple tap in and Penetration 0 doubling the advantage soon after. Earthworm Jim was taking an enforced rest under the subs bench, but may have been more use in goal where The Black Plague somehow let a shot through his considerable frame. Against all odds a late equaliser arrived for Celtic and the game finished 2-2.

A pizzeria run by a character from The League of Gentlemen provided nourishment for the evening, as Richie decided to take a 45 minute sojourn on the throne. Dirk Kunt, Evan Davies and Brown the Down arrived having eaten elsewhere, only for the latter to quickly dispatch a slap round the chops of Buckaroo. Melancholy and wracked with guilt, he went round the corner for a little cry. The party then advanced to the much-vaunted Rio where merry was made, despite the place being dryer than Ghandi’s flip-flops. Both tour goalkeepers excelled themselves, as The Black Plague became intimately familiar with various nadbags and Buckaroo set up camp for the night in the back streets of the city.

Monday morning was greeted with discussion of Felch-Phallus’ substantial lips and Bola Bola Loser Cunt’s unending pursuit of still water. Hungarian shop owners do not take kindly to customer enquiries and the proprietor of the local five-and ten, in cold blood, hounded him from the store with a crowbar and a baseball bat. The second leg of the tie with Budapest Celtic took place that evening. The local side took the lead when their player released the kraken from the edge of the box, though IC came back with a goal from Felch-Phallus. Confusion between Marc-Vivien Lobbé and Dirk Kunt at the back led to the ex-pats taking the lead again before Huvely received the ball and was able to whip it into the corner to equalize. IC saw out another 2-2 draw taking it to penalties. Unfortunately Penetration 0 and AIDS bottled their big moments and the victory went to Celtic.

A trip to both Morrison’s 1 and 2 ensued, with both clubs infested with skirt. In Morrison’s 1 Dirk Kunt made good friends with the local ditch pig, dutifully taking in all the things she said, whilst Kernkraft 400 returned to the hostel to have a dig in the whiskers of one of the staff under the watchful eye of Earthworm Jim. Over in Morrison’s 2 Maly Penis was having a psychedelic yawn in each of the toilets whilst Huvely was living up to his name and attracting all manner of men. Earthworm Jim Del Boy-ed through a door, leaving him lying in the grot while a bemused Hungarian looked on pitifully. Penetration 0 almost became Penetration 1 with a high-calibre young female, though it all went to shit soon after as a nosebleed interrupted his progress. Susan Boyle had no such problems however as his Last Throw of the Dice tactics paid dividends down a dark alley.

The final beautiful day in Budapest was brought in with the discovery of a bollard accrued by Gary Glitter and the contents of a man’s wallet obtained by Muhammed. The Hungarian sister of Paper Tiger was visited, though Papier Tigris failed to live up to the high onion-ridden standards of its South Kensington equivalent. The third game of tour against a local Irish team took place that evening and began well with goals from Bola Bola Loser Cunt, Susan Boyle and Velezzeraptor giving IC a 3-1 lead. IC contrived to throw the match away, either distracted by the middle aged Hungarian woman doing hula hoops on the touchline or the tactical ineptitude of the manager, with the game finishing 5-3.

That night the party visited the island, though the clubs were empty and Velezzeraptor resorted to stealing a bike to ride around – a fetish he would later revisit. Everyone returned to Rumkert, site of an excellent night a few days earlier, where Kernkraft 400 received some painful friction burns from a toothy young maiden called Fanny. Scatman continued his lairy adventures and, along with Lobbé and AIDS, was comfortably dispatched by the Hungarian Kimbo Slice.

The travelling pack of airborne rangers then made their way to their second destination on the Danube by means of a train - their first contact on tour with something older than Marc-Vivien Lobbé. Having taken seats in 6 man booths, they proceeded to drink the bar dry. Cockles and his dutiful assistant Velezzeraptor obliged. Having already purchased 3 bunches of heather for the journey, Velezzeraptor decided to donate these and one free ticket to his premier streaking performance to the huvely in his booth. Momo Sissoko and Emmanuel Petit put in noteworthy performances as we arrived at our hostel.

Slovakian Bar One was the setting for the first dinner in Bratislava, and luckily for Bola Bola Loser Cunt they were able to serve Hawaiian pizzas without the pineapple. Velezzeraptor, fresh from his role as bar assistant, was now undertaking the duties of toilet cleaner as he missed his call on the big white telephone. Scatman and Huvely’s date bore no fruit as both decided their crockery made for suitable pillows, much to the waitress’ disgust.

Nu Spirit was the venue of choice for the rest of the evening’s events, as 90c beers and deep house eased the Rangers into the early hours. Leroy Lighter and Hartlepool United gave pleasing performances with Velezzeraptor bearing his chest in celebration. Susan Boyle was so overwhelmed he was required to reboot. Earthworm Jim’s request for a lady to reveal her Jabulanis was met with contempt, as was the follow up appeal for her to play his vuvuzela. Marc-Vivien Lobbé was simply content with a pint of milk. Muhammed and Penetration 0 had earlier split from the group and were now in the company of Slovakian international Martin Skrtel, fresh from his side’s loss to Holland in the secondary football event of the summer.

Thursday yielded no scheduled game for IC, so a majority made their way to a local lake. Velezzeraptor, again, cycled. With an exponential increase in the protection provided by their sun cream, the pasty Englishmen took in the remarkable view and left the local talent fizzing at the bunghole. A few looked to emulate the antics of Andrew Flintoff by hiring pedalos, whilst others were content to bask in the glorious 30 degree heat and densely packed Slovakian fuzz. Earthworm Jim’s nipple hair provided light relief, as did Brown the Down’s retarded doggy paddle.

As the evening rolled in, those who had disregarded their tie when deciding on essential items for tour were suitably reprimanded. As lesser men struggled, Evan Davies stood tall and in the valley of the blind, the one eyed man was King. Gary Glitter, unable to regurgitate his reprimand, decided the most honourable method to achieve such would be to neck another beer. Belliot Gaylord remained firmly tucked in his arsehole. Velezzeraptor had somehow agreed to buy a live chicken for the paltry sum of 12 euros. With a flick knife for guarantee, the raptor sat awaiting his livestock. With Evan Davies now tucked up in bed with a Polish man the group were kicking up a storm in another club called Rio. Dave brought his special brand of French romance to the table by going bareback on a girl’s arm. Maly Penis, having been involved in a disagreement with a particularly large Slovakian club-goer, took evasive action by inverting his white t-shirt. The Black Plague, historically caused by rats, was now in hot pursuit of one and was left behind as Maly Penis’ cunning disguise allowed the group to safely evacuate the dancefloor. Even a slap of encouragement from Susan Boyle and Buckaroo to the buttocks of The Black Plague’s aforementioned rat gave rise to no further incident in the evening. The same, though, could not be said for Bill and Ben. The innocent flower pot men were ravaged by AIDS and bought to an untimely demise on the backstreets of Bratislava.

Friday brought IC’s last touring match against KPMG Bratislava. IC started typically slowly, with the robust KPMG side bossing the midfield. The score remained 0-0 only due to excellent goalkeeping from Dave. A break down the right from Maly Penis saw him awarded a penalty. The Black Plague stood up to take the spot kick and proceeded to tamely knock the ball into the keeper’s hands. KPMG gained impetus from this and by half time were 1-0 to the good. A rousing team talk from Huvely saw an inspired IC team take complete control of the second half and they were soon 3-1 ahead thanks to a low strike from Scatman and Ronaldinho-esque cross-shots from Maly Penis and Brown the Down. IC survived a late surge from KPMG to come out of the game with a 3-2 victory, their first of the tour.

It being the last day of tour, the group descended upon a sports bar for their tour dinner. The service was slower than Earthworm Jim’s football and the food colder than Velezzeraptor’s heart but Luis Suarez provided a hand in giving us a penalty shoot-out for dessert and the touring party returned to their hostel for the awards of tour to be announced. Evan Davies was awarded Player of Tour for his accomplished performances at centre back throughout the 4 games. Man of Tour was awarded to Earthworm Jim for his incessant laughter throughout the 7 days, and his dismal performances in all 4 games. A new award introduced especially for this year, Lad of Tour, was awarded to Velezzeraptor for his all round ridiculousness.

For their last night in Bratislava, IC frequented Sub Club where the basslines were dirty but the huvely was sparse. Whilst some of the group continued to skank the night away, others returned to Rio where much was to be gained. With the whole group congregated at the hostel, Dave managed a solid conversion. Susan Boyle, though, was left picking up the pisses of his IBM career. Kernkraft 400 saw the hostel no longer fit for purpose, and successfully sought alternative accommodation for the night with the local constabulary.

The following day saw our flight back to Blighty. Unfortunately, gnats were not permitted on the flight, so The Black Plague was left playing 7 hours of extra time as the rest of the group returned home.